I can’t do this anymore. I feel so much pain all of the time. I constantly put on a fake smile but I’m getting so worn down that I can’t keep it up much longer, I just want to sleep and never wake up. Every time I try to make a new friend group they just end up insulting me endlessly and make me feel completely wretched and then they leave my life forever. I’m tired of being abused and hurt. I’ve had virtually everything happen to me in life: manipulation, rape, living on the streets, physical and mental and emotional abuse, stalking, mother calling the cops on me just for giggles, and so much more. I’m exhausted from constantly fighting. People always say that the happy days weigh out the sad ones, but they are wrong, even when I’m remotely happy, I’m still sad and would give up that sorta happy day if it meant that it could all finally stop. I don’t know what to do anymore.
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I know, I can’t even smile without it looking forced. Someone told me to smile for a picture and I tried, it looked so ugly and forced. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through those things but you are correct though, people always say that the “blessings” and “joys” of life out-way the misery but they are incorrect. Even when I’m appearing to be joyful inside I still want to die.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I’m in the same boat. I got abused and used, was bullied, left by my friends, family hates me, people around me look at me with disdain, a nobody and psychologically scarred, father was physically abused to the point of punching me and calling me names and if I fought back, turned it around and told me it was my fault, etc. It’s only after they’ve seen the effects that they tried to get in my good graces again but the damage is done. I’m depressed after fighting for 31 years and don’t even have the strength to look for a job anymore or do any work. All I do is mope around in bed hoping something better comes along. Here I am waiting and hoping for something to come along the way like a dairy farming school so I can get out of this place and hopefully travel to another country even if I spend all my life working there. At least I can escape (I hope so) to another country. All I have left is rage and the desire to kill all my enemies who have wronged me. The only thing holding me back is my sense of faith in God, my girlfriend and shame. I still have something to lose but it’s really getting tiring real fast.
By any chance, are you male or female? We all go through some things but I find that women have it easier when making friends or getting support. Men like me on the other hand have to keep up a facade of being strong or you are seen as weak and pathetic and/or easy to take advantage of. I like to fight back but years of fighting an uphill battle just makes my mind want to shut down and not give a damn anymore.
I am a female. I used to think that I made friends quickly but they were just fake and always wanted me there to support them but as soon as I asked for support they said goodbye. I don’t know whether I should even bother trying to make friends anymore because I don’t think I can handle the abuse for yet another time.
I’m sorry to hear that. Here’s the thing, there are always assholes out there in the world. What we need to do is weed out the assholes and find the ones who will stick by you and support you in whatever you’re going through. As a woman, I know you have plenty of acquaintances and friends, truly nice ones, who are there but couldn’t just find the time because of distance and/or they also have problems on their own. I know what it’s like to be isolated, and I don’t want you to suffer the same as me.
Take it as you will, I also have no problems making new friends but it truly takes years to develop that sense of camraderie and friendship that you have with your core group of friends. Losing them means also losing some part of your family. Maybe you have a core group of friends or still one of them who aren’t total assholes? Maybe you can go talk to them and just chill and pass the time. Just talk about anything, but don’t force faking how “happy” you are because it will come off as fake and creepy.
Trust me, I know what it feels like to be down and faking a smile and sense of being “chill” around people when you’re not, when in reality your mind is turbulent and you just want to cry and let out a torrent of rage and sadness. I have been in your shoes. When it comes down to it, all of us need somebody to lean on and somebody to talk to our problems. I got over it by going to a Christian (Catholic) monastery and talking to a priest about my problems and seeking guidance from God and doing some self-reflections. I could suggest you do the same thing. I know spirituality is not for everyone but maybe it could help you in your struggles. Retreats are a wonderful thing and it helped me just by being there in one week. I hope it helps you too.
I sympathize with you if you need to talk you can email me it’s the same as my username @ gmail.com