I know I write a lot, but I am so grateful to finally have a place to express myself without those I know judging me. The pain never stops. I feel like my soul is constantly being crushed. I smile and chat and it is scary how good I have become at hiding the pain. Or maybe they don’t want to see. It is sad how desperate you can be just to know someone is there for you, that longing for the most basic of human interaction. I thought I was ok. Always goes that way, then the darkness returns, always a bit worse, a bit more lonely. I pull back, stop connecting, stop sending messages. And no one notices. Today I made the choice to go back to something, a way to cope. No one knows, and I dare not tell, I don’t want sympathy,normal love, not because of what I am now, but because of who the real me is. The moment I made the choice the burden already lifted. I am not proud of what I have become, but I do what I must to cope, to make it through another day. This is the only place I can share my heart. How do you just get over it as some suggest. Hell I have tried. It is not like I want to be this way. I don’t want to hurt and be a social outcast. So today I slowly cut my pain away, the only escape. The only way to keep going. Yes I want to die, but yes I want to be better. I want to be seen. I want to be loved. I hate this life, this pain, this dark lonely plain of existense…. rescue me
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4 comments
You remind me of myself. This is the longest I’ve been ok. 2 months. Jeez that sounds so sad. I only have a few days before the darkness comes crashing back. I’m not looking forward to it.
It is really so sad. I wish I was able to help others, but here I am needing help myself. The dsrkness and the loneliness can be so crippling. And those that have not been here do not understand, no matter how desperately we want them to
I sympathize with both you and Ylem31. It comes in waves for me too. Sometimes my depression will sit dorment for months at a time. But when it hits, it also lasts a very long time as well. I spent 2016 in the longest depressive state since middle school. And it was gone for about 3 months..now im right back inside the box. I like the writing by the way, keep doing it. If i could write as well as others, i would do it all the time.
I stopped trying to make them understand. They never do. I’m always willing to help others though, even in my darkest moments. It always helps me get my head out of my ass, forget about my pain, stop dwelling on it on focus on someone else.