chapters

Ever since I was a little girl I always asked questions about my little sister.. The sister my mother gave up for adoption. Our mother was a drug addict who chose men over her kids and is STILL continues doing drugs. my life was very rough but I was always the type to wish for a happily ever after… So I made excuses after excuses for my mom. She got pregnant not to long after she gave my sister up for adoption but abused pills which led to a stillborn.. My other baby sister Seirra (May she Rest with the angels) … My mother then had my Little brother shortly after. She lost custody of us because she was letting men and drugs  influence her.

I was molested many times by the men she brought around me, I was kidnapped and held hostage by my stepdad. I watched her try killing herself and how she would slit her wrists and let her blood fall on me… I can go on for hours about what happened to me and my little brother.  I had a really hard life.

I lived with my cousin and she herself was witnessing what my mother was doing, neglecting us children. My cousin tried her best to take care of me and my brother but she herself was a mom with children to take care of.

My dad wasn’t trying to be a dad only came in and out of my life..

I was taken away from my mom when she drugged me and my brother up and due to being drugged up I fell and hit my head on the corner of a coffee table..  with foster care, moving back and forth, through all of that I had  finally got a home for long point of my life (my Nana) the woman who helped me through it all. . but as i got older and confused with visitations and therapy , I let my mom manipulate me into thinking my Nana was the person who was the bad one and my mom coached me into running away to be with her. That she “changed” that she wanted to be a mom to me a mom I “deserved” … And I believed it. I ranaway so much I lost out of my school scholarship. And I hurt the main person who was actually there for me, my nana.

I always lived in my fantasy life. . always thinking things would be better.. But was ALWAYS let down. And now I let down my Nana. The woman who rescused me, the woman who fought for custody of me and won. I let her down because I was being brainwashed by the woman who I thought changed.. I had to learn on my own, I was a teenager and was stuck in my ways.

When I was 13 I was diagnosed with Bipolar but I denied it and I refused to take medication because I didn’t want tl be compared to my mother. I didnt want to feel like i was her… Since I wasnt on medication and stopped therapy ..I became manic and didn’t know what to do. I just kept running and running and hurting everyone who only tried to help.

When I was 17, my cousin took me and my then boyfriend in while I was a runaway, because my mom, the one who kept telling me to run away didn’t want to take responsibility of me.  She told me to runaway and then turned me away.  If I didn’t do what she wanted she threatened me by saying she’d turn me in as a runaway because she knew my caseworker said if I ranaway 1 more time I’d be sent out of state to a more secure group home. So she used it to her advantage….

All I ever wanted was a family… To be loved but I didn’t realize I  DID have love from my Nana and brother and cousins and I DID have family.. I guess all I really wanted was my mom, when in reality my Nana was my mom, my cousin was my mom. And I was to blind to see it.  With trying to find love through boyfriends and losing friends in the process.  Getting pregnant because all I wanted was something to love and lost the baby when I was 10 weeks… I was dealing with a lot, so much through my mind, so much pain.. I had so much to deal with on my plate.. What made it worse was the fact that the monster who molested me and kidnapped me found me on Facebook and messaged me.. I was scared, I was hurt,everything I was doing was not only hurting me but hurting everyone around me. . . everything was hitting me all at once. 1 by 1.  my miscarriage,  threatened to be turned in as a runaway, where will I go, my kidnapper he found me…

I blamed everyone at one point and was angry, angry at myself for allowing myself to fuck up future, angry I lost my baby, angry for not getting the help I needed…  angry that I STILL made excuses for my mom..  The woman who used the fact that I was runnaway against me to do whatever she wanted me to do. If I didn’t she would threaten me… The woman who never raised me… But let me go through hell until my nana saved me..

When I turned 18 I stopped her from trying to control me, she tried to hurt me because of it, I called the police and she started hitting and pulling her own hair and grabbing her arms, scratching herself in the apartment hallway.. neighbors witnessed it and when the police came I made the police report and everyone who witnessed it  talked to the officer, my grandpa even told the police he didn’t want my mom back that she was mentally ill and was trying to hurt me. She was given 10mins to get her stuff and  to leave the complex before they arrested her…

I had just turned 18, I was no longer a runaway but because I did runaway, I unfortunately missed out on schooling. It was like a  butterfly effect. Runing away+ No school = homeless with no job.

I was bouncing back and forth from my grandpas and cousins. And I appreciate them doing so otherwise I would have been on the streets because my mother wasn’t someone I could rely on.

I couldn’t go back to my nanas because I hurt her by leaving. So I had to stay gone and I had to learn my lesson.

Through it all my mom moved to Ohio for my uncles funeral, leaving me alone when she was supposed to have me or take care of me. But I had to learn. I had to learn the hard way because I was so hard headed.. But I continued to wish the best for everyone.

I grew agitated,  sad and hurt. I couldn’t handle my thoughts, I couldn’t handle myself anymore. I couldn’t handle the the breakups of the guys who where supposed to “love me” I couldn’t handle the fact that my boyfriend used me. .  my mind was a train wreck and everyone around me where the passengers…

I had a very horrible flashback that turned into a panic attack after a simple argument with my cousins husband. I always had a hard time with men yelling. So I called my mom asking for help because I didn’t know what else to do.

She got money from her landlord and helped me move to Ohio. In my mind I was finally going to know where I came from. In my mind they would welcome me in with open arms… In my mind I thought my mom was finally going to be my mom… it wasn’t long till she was doing the same thing, bringing home random men, fighting with them and putting me in the middle of the fights, one of the men I had to kick out the house because he was so violent and refused to leave.. I later found out he was wanted for attempted murder in another state.

She was also bringing our cousin over whom was just let out of prison for rape and he started touching me and even sending me provocative messages.   Luckily I had the support from my now boyfriend, he witbessed the touching and told both my mom and cousin that if it doesn’t stop the cops will be called. I was no longer going to be a victim of molestation. I am to grown for that and I was growing my own voice with the help of my boyfriend.

It wasnt to long before I got pregnant by my boyfriend. I was going back and forth from his parents place to my moms, she was still with different men and was still putting me in the middle, I was at the point in my life where I needed to put my foot down and tell her to keep me out of her drama. Especially since my doctor told me I was a high risk pregnancy the same day they needed to give me a shot because my blood type is O Negative.  My mom got mad and started so much stuff with me on FB, I finally stuck up for myself and told her to quit. That she needed to stop. I told her the type of person she is and got mad because I told her something and kicking me out. Into a state i had no clue about.. And while she was at it she was bragging to people on FB about how I was rapped when I was younger.  That is what caused me to move in with my boyfriend and  not long after we got our own place.

My pregnancy was hard because I was constantly fainting , cramping and always told not to keep my hopes up because I may loose the baby. As I got further and further I didn’t have much to worry about but to enjoy my pregnancy. my boyfriend who worked and had me stay home. I was doing great! My boyfriend and I argued here and there over simple things, but we learned to work with each other. I learned to handle my feelings and he learned to understand me.  I had gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, she’s everything I’ve always wanted , everything I always prayed for.  My boyfriend and I are going on 4 years now and talking about getting married.

After having my daughter I had to learn pretty much everything on my own and remembered things and pointers my cousin and nana used to tell me, my daughter was breastfed and it was very exhausting, I had no help. Her father didn’t really help but financially help. I did everything else, doctors appointment, sick days, cleaning. Cooking. Folding and putting away laundry etc.

After I had my daughter I was having bouts of crying, scared to leave anywhere, scared of everything. I found out I had post partum depression, and was put in a program to help me overcome it through cognitive therapy. After the program ended, I was not just diagnosed with postpartum , I was diagnosed with, major depressive disorder,  PTSD, generalized anxiety, panic attack disorder and agoraphobia. I was fighting my own inner demons while trying to be a good mother. It was hard. Doctors put me on medication to calm my anxiety and help with my depression. But nothing seemed to work and some of the meds made my thoughts worse.. So I refused to take any medication.  Like how i refused to take medication when I was a kid. majority of it was because I didn’t want to be like my mom. So I had to handle everything on my own.

Normal/ many other people would have parents to help with small things.  but my daughter didn’t have a grandma who was supportive like that, only when she wanted something or for her convenience..  I learned to do it by myself and be a mother my mother wasn’t to me. I tried to have my mom (my daughters grandma) in her life but she wasn’t making any effort. She only came to take pictures, she never came for birthdays only Christmas to collect her presents. We would even go to her place so she can see her granddaughter. She made any and every excuse she could find to not see her granddaughter but would brag about my baby on FB like she was there.

My mom got married and it seemed like she was FINALLY changing but I was wrong. . She started taking pills again, drinking and doing whatever she was that made she slur her words and nod her head. Like she wasn’t aware of anything. It got to the point where I brought my 1 year old over to see her and my mom had left pills out , my daughter was walking at that point & grabbed the pills. thankfully my instincts kicked in and I noticed right away, I took them from her hand and cried.. It was the worse type of fear that I’ve ever experience thinking my daughter was going to die, thank GOD I got them away from her when I did… At that point I stopped going around for a few months  … I Only visited once in a while to see how my mom was doing. At one point she seemed to finally be doing good, with talking and being happy.  I Even stayed a week with my mom in the room above her place (I had my daughter with me)  when my boyfriend and I where having problems, we worked it out quick and I was back home with my boyfriend and daughter.. Everything seemed civil.

It wasn’t until she kept missing more parts of my daughters life when I got more and more upset. The fact that I knew she was starting to pop pills and even go as far as ask me for money so she could buy pills. She is on methadone for her husband because he is on it , before she was on Suboxone and selling it to buy Xanax bars or any pain medication. I witnessed this,  I wanted to stay away but I was worried for her. I watched how my grandma would give her urine to my mom, my mom would put it in a sealed cup between her breasts to keep it warm  so she come up “clean” for her drug screens. I watched how she stole medication from a sweet lady that lived above her. I watched it and didn’t say anything because I knew it would lead to a fight or argument when I  already had things going on at my home at that time where I just didn’t want to be put into her drama when I already had drama going on into my place from my boyfriends aunt and pregnant cousin. But that’s another story for later …

One of my main things that kept my spirit alive was knowing I had a sister somewhere..

Throughout my whole life through all the ups and downs I always asked questions about my sister the sister my mother gave up because she wanted to party, the sister I always wanted.. The sister I wrote to and would get pictures of throughout the years..  I thought maybe she would understand me and was looking for me. My search never ended, even with me asking my mom questions and her never giving answers but 2 things… Her parents names and that she had a older brother.  With God on my side , I tracked her down 2 years ago, I did it all on my own.  nobody wanted to help, I posted on news pages , I posted on groups, I posted and had many of my friends share.. I finally found her and found her knew lastname when I found out the name of the agency the adoption went through. My Nana is the one who helped and cousin and Tia. I contacted the agency they couldnt tell me much but sent me 1 photo. On the photot was her lastname. .  I found her on FB and twitter and Instagram, I messaged all her accounts hoping  she was looking for me as well.. And she was. I was sooooo excited! I even went running to my moms place to tell her the news, she wasn’t to excited.. She was to busy wanting to be drunk and not talk to my sister… I told her to talk to her. Told her she needed to talk to my sister so she could have closure..  I don’t know what my mom told my sister but whatever it was she ended up blocking all of us saying she wanted nothing to do with our mother..  It wasn’t till later when she called me and told me she wanted me in her life, but not our mom. 

I was still living in Ohio at the time  when i found her.. I traveled all the way back to Arizona  to see my family, & have them see/ meet my daughter and boyfriend. And so I can meet my sister since I found out she wasn’t to far from my hometown…

I thought everything would be fine… We met and it was amazing, I was so anxious and nervous not knowing if she’d like me or not. We got along great, all 3 of us, me her and our little brother. A year later me, my daughter and boyfriend made the decision to move to my hometown. I have more support here and family and friends, my brothers and sisters here.

Everything seemed to be doing great until recently..  My sister is wanting to meet our  birth mother and move all the way  to ohio and leave her parents who raised her for a woman who is on drugs and isn’t even capable of taking care of her own self.. I tried to tell my sister i was scared for her. . all I did was try to warn her and tried to show her what our birth mom is capable of, all the lies, drugs , men etc. How I moved all the way back with my daughter and boyfriend to get away from my birth mom because I saw first hand that she is NOT a changed woman.   But in the end my sister turned on me, telling me to get over my past and moms past etc. Telling me to stop sending her my bad memories that she doesn’t care..   She doesn’t care when all I did was care for her and worry about her. Now my mom has her brainwashed the way she did me. Saying all the same things she said to me and my sister is believing her, turned on both me and our little brother saying we are lying about everything , that our mom is a changed person, when just a few months ago I witnessed all the pills and stealing our mom was doing. But I’m the bad person. I’m always the bad one.

I’m at the point of my life where I am done trying to please and help anyone. My chapter is just beginning and I will NOT let her or my mom talk down on me because I spoke the truth. All I wanted was to help,.I even went as far to find my sisters dads side of the family and have her reconnected with them, when they knew NOTHING about her. But I’m the bad one. I’m the horrible person. And victimizing myself. When I am a victim. PTSD does not lie. . but our mom does.

I’m just happy I have my daughter, future husband , Nana , brother , cousins. All the family in AZ on my side. And realize not to let toxic people hurt me anymore.

My story is still being written.

-AMV