more often than not, i find myself excited to get home from wherever i am during the day, so i can be sad again, so i can show the pain i hide. I keep on a mask all day and act happy, and sure, sometimes i am happy! but i don’t even want to be…. Sadness is addictive and i experience withdrawal when i pretend to be happy. Being in my down state (i do have depression so) is like… a home. Im used to it, it is where i sit and where i function. being happy is uncomfortable and not even enjoyable anymore. When i’m not having an anxiety attack, i think of situations to create one.. It isn’t that i enjoy being suicidal and anxious and depressed, its just that i feel like i belong there. we aren’t defined by our feelings, and our sadness, but it sure as hell casts a long dark shadow on to our lives that only we really see. but sometimes coming out from that darkness is a little too blinding.
i just cant figure out what to do. i see an opportunity to save myself and get help, but i’m also too scared and…. upset…. to let go of these feelings i’ve had for a long time. So i dont. i stay in this depressed state, on the edge of another suicide attempt.. not that i wanna be…. but yet, i just cant move on????
maybe i’m crazy but i needed to say it somewhere, and this is my go to place so hey. i feel guilty for this because so many people are desperate for a way out, and i am too, yet i cant even if i see it. yes it is just another symptom i must be having…. but i just feel wrong.
honestly so numb and lost that im falling back down to rock bottom… im getting bad again fuck.
4 comments
If being happy isn’t enjoyable, maybe it isn’t real happiness. I always try to force myself into ‘happy’ situations and I never intentionally make myself sad, but it’s usually a relief to be sad because I can actually feel something, though faintly. Or maybe you just have a lot of pain to let out, or maybe trying to make yourself sad or anxious and hold onto the darkness is because it makes you feel closer to the possibility of dying and escaping it all. Whatever is causing it, it’s completely normal and it isn’t your fault. You didn’t ask for all of this in the first place, and it’s just your way of trying to cope with it. But being in between life and death isn’t a nice place to be and if you can see a way to get help, I’d try it. It doesn’t matter if your heart isn’t completely in it. Like I said, this is your way of dealing with the problem – not the problem itself – and if it’s holding you back it’s something else you can work on in time. It doesn’t mean you’re responsible for everything you’re going through, so try not to be too hard on yourself.
I don’t think I like that, maybe your happiness is not real. Happiness is happiness, your still capable of positive emotions and you’re allowed, heck, you should feel good. I don’t know why there’s comfort in sadness, I’ve had that too, where joy seems so alien and I default to sad. I say embrace your happiness, however short lived. Just be careful, I’ve also allowed very high moments that led to a pretty dark crash
oh my god, i cant believe it, im so related with your post. in fact i was going to write about my situation, that is very similar to yours. its odd, but for a reason i also like to be sad, that is the reason because im here. i dont know well what is wrong with me but that have bringed me some problems and its much more complicated than just this, but is a long story to tell it here, but i cant tell you that you are not the only one, and i feel me very similar to you.
This feeling definitely is relatable. I’ve been personally trying to figure out why I seem so stuck but the way ya put it. It feels like a home you grow accustom to, pretty much sums it up.