I don’t know what to do

So to start this off I feel like there needs to be a back story to truly understand what is happening. Back in 2013, the summer before my freshman year, my best friend killed himself and i had a really hard time dealing with it. i went to mental hospitals for two years on and off trying to help my suicidal thoughts and my depression and anxiety. needless to say nothing ever worked and im still the same. it never gets easier its a lie. but im still affected by it and each day i try to move on but i cant. nothing ever works. ive tried dating and it helps a little but i always look for him in everyone i date and thats not a good thing to do because its toxic. but anyway theres that.
now im a senior still dealing through depression and anxiety and suicide all the time but a little less prominent than before so i guess thats a good thing. here is where my problems start coming in. ive smoked pot before but it was nothing serious and it was like two years ago. i started dating this guy ian in april last year and it was good. we broke up because i started drinking and smoking way too much to deal with everything and the fact that my mother was diagnosed with cancer didnt help the situation. i got drunk one night and cheated on ian with my friend tommy and he fell in love with me. when we broke up tommy wanted to date but i wasnt ready. he kept pressuring me so i ended up saying yes. he smokes and drinks so thats not a big problem. but i took things further and ended up doing coke and got raped. i cant tell anyone because it didnt matter to anyone. i told my mom and she didnt care. it was my fault. i pop pills becasue i need to get high and i dont want to feel anything i live by myself and have been for about two months so its not like anyone really cares what i do. but anyway that happened and we moved on. then i got drunk and tried to fuck one of my friends but didnt. then i got drunk again and i mean i blacked out drunk and apparently i gave some dude head while someone was having sex with me but i dont remember any of it. now im the town whore and i dont even remember anything. me and tom worked through it but i didnt want to be with him in the first place and now just being in his presence gives me anxiety attacks. i spent the night at his house and ended up breaking down crying for over an hour because i didnt want to be there and i felt so out of place. never has that happened to me there. seeing him gives me anxiety and i want nothing more than to break up with him because i cant keep getting bad anxiety attacks like that just seeing him. and this morning he scared me by running behind me and grabbing me kissing my cheek screaming morning sunshine. like i couldnt even talk for awhile after that. i dont want to be with him but i cant hurt him because hes in love with me and when i do try and talk to him about it all he says is he wants to make it work and he doesnt want to break up or take a break. but its like im not happy and im not in a good mindset to be wth him or anyone else at the moment. i just dont know what to do anymore. i need help but i dont know how or who to go to because its all me.