I feel so confused.. I dont know what I believe in anymore and I’m constantly operating in fear and self-doubt.
Perhaps the only thing I believe in is the concept/importance of belief (e.g. in oneself, humanity, the sanctity of life..) Without that we are just lost in the abyss with no ship or compass. I visualize these foundational axioms of existence dissolving before my eyes.
I am “smart”, but lately my mind just gets me in more trouble with deeper and darker philosophical thoughts – existentialism, nihilism, antinatalism.. My OCD is sky high and I feel paranoid of everyone and every idea. I know I need help, but I don’t trust pharmaceuticals, therapists, family, friends, society, recreational drugs, spiritual gurus or myself.. many people have clever advice, but so much of it is mutually exclusive and subjective. I question everything. “Is this conclusion cultural conditioning? Wishful thinking?” I feel so alone.
I am very privileged and talented and confident in my ability to do many things that others apparently value, except feeling like I’m doing the “right thing” or anything worthwhile. This is so important to me.. I’d rather be poor than toil away as a cog in a corporation. I’d rather starve than harm an animal or perhaps even plant. Maybe I’d rather choose death over uncertainty of my actions. Who’s to say that is not the “right” choice?
It’s been recommended to listen to my heart rather than my head. But I feel so numb.. so disconnected from my heart. Or perhaps that numbness is a sign of peace in death.
Should I channel this pain into sublimation? Perhaps that would work if I believed in the “universal” value of life over death. But I feel a deep darkness descending.. drifting into a black hole. Perhaps I’ve already crossed the event horizon.
6 comments
I wish i had the answers too.
It seems like any idea or philosophy you follow, someone smarter than you will argue a counter point and blow you out the water.
My view is a simple one. Be kind to people, take each day at a time. Try not to be too greedy etc.
I’m not saying this like im some ‘great guy’ i have fucked up big time in my younger years. And living with the memories are painfull. I don’t want any more pain, if there is an afterlife or judgment of some kind, i want the good to outweigh the bad.
Sorry for rambling there lol
it’s been said that a Samurai should make his decisions within the space of seven breaths. I personally believe in it as many mistakes I made in life could’ve been avoided if I just stopped over analyzing everything.
I’m thinking I could avoid a slew of bad decisions if I just stopped breathing. 😉
I’m thinking I could avoid a slew of bad decisions if I just stopped breathing. 😉
You sound like an INTP. You’re going to need a sounding board sooner or later. SP may be a good start, but a good therapist would be a wise move. You can always change therapists if you desire to do so.
Yeah, at least trust a therapist. It can really help so you’re not venting to strangers on the internet all the time which reminds me I should just wait for my next therapy appointment. I might have to force myself into some type of group therapy again because it pushed me out of my comfort zone (which I hate), but it helps to be around more people. I’m too isolated between one-on-one therapy appointments.