whats wrong with me?!!?!

so, my dog died today.

all night last night i was restless, ended up knocking myself out with all of my allergy meds because they make me drowsy and i wanted to sleep asap.

i went about my day today and counted down the minutes and hours my dog had left, i cried when i woke up an hour early this morning to be with my dog, i cried when i said goodbye to her because i had to leave the house for school (and i made the decision not to be there when they put her down…. i feel guilty as hell for not being by her side but…. ugh), and when my parents came home after euthanizing my dog at the vet, i held my mom and tried to hold myself together to be strong for her while she cried. but then once i made it to my room i LOST IT. fell over, couldn’t breathe, sobbing for a long time. ya know? gasping for air and stuffing my face in a pillow so no one heard me? because everyone thinks i am “just fine:)” jokes on them -.-

now, its been about 3 1/2 hours since the last crying episode (on and off tears since), but now.. i can’t cry????

like my brain is shutting off the pain and i feel as though i will wake up tomorrow the same as i did yesterday, by accidentally sleeping in, rushing around to not be late, run past my sleeping dog (the one who passed) and leave the house. like any other day. but i kNOW it wont be like that, she’s gone. but my brain doesn’t accept it. and it wont let me cry. im hurting and in pain, but i can’t cry… i would say i’m “not sad” but i am, even though i am not???

my dog who i grew up with and always had my back and kept me sane, is gone forever, yet i sit in my room, emotionless.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

i should be more broken… considering how much the last death experiences i’ve had hurt me. when my cousin died i LOST IT. grandpa died, i lost it, when my pet a few years ago died, i developed more than 3 mental illnesses.

why. can’t. i. just. be. sad.

i hate myself