I was stripped of my manhood when I was 16.5.
I am 22.. for over 5 years I have wanted to die with such a strong desire. An indescribable desire..
I have been sent to the mental institute twice for the same reasons…
They took away my gun rights… I deserve to die peacefully. All I want is to shoot my brains out.
5 years…. 5 freaking years… that’s more than enough..
I am tired of this torture. I am so tired of this sadistic god. I am so tired of being in a situation where there is LITERALLY NOTHING I can do to fix this. Being powerless.. I didn’t deserve what happened to me.. this stupid god ruined me. Emasculated me. This is my reward for trying so hard? I used to be religious. I used to actually care and made a daily effort. I never did drugs, drank alcohol, had intercourse, etc. all because I wanted to be “good” and “innocent”. I wanted to be different.
Now, I might as well be an atheist. I loathe this god.
I only had one thing that gave my life meaning, now, I have nothing. I don’t want to be rich; money can’t fix me. I don’t want some companion. I don’t want real friends.. all I want is to be me again but it’s too late. I changed.. my head is ruined. I have to die. I just wanted to be me again.. I wasn’t asking for much at all. I was entitled to my simple dream… why the hell was I robbed of such a simple dream.. the only thing I had and it’s gone..
14 comments
Whatever you believe in, it will surround yoju.
Nothing is necessary for that.. just your own perception.
It doesn’t matter, except what you feel. What do you feel? What do you want?
How were you emasculated?
Well, I’ve mentioned it before on another post. I posted statistics too but no one gets it so I am being vague on purpose. If you want to see however, you can click on my profile and you will see the long posts.. I made 2 or 3 posts about it.
Its the will of the man, that makes him a man.
Well.. every person has their own criteria..
From what I read, you are very concerned about your height.
I presume this is something to do with being attractive to women?
Height does matter quite a bit, but it is not the only factor at all.
I am 6’1″ and shy. I used to play soccer with a short guy who was a) super confident, and b) well-endowed. This guy was like Napoleon or something. Anyway, he had a super cute girlfriend whereas I was forever alone.
He is hardly unique in that regard. I have known several short guys who make up for what they “lack” in height in other areas.
I think your problem is self-esteem, not height. Somehow, life has taught you that you are not a worthwhile human being, so you have gone to great, great lengths to prove yourself. Your exercise routine sounds super punishing, rather than rewarding.
I have been there. I still am, to an extent. I just started reading a book called “Overcoming Low Self-Esteem”. I hope it will turn out to be helpful. It is based on cognitive behavioral therapy, which is scientifically validated:
http://www.overcoming.co.uk/single.htm?ipg=5230
It has to do with my height among other things but not woman. I actually used to love being alone and I mean that but not anymore..
Also, training was everything to me. I wanted a body that was my equal. Maybe to some, that training I did looked like punishment but I enjoyed every second of it. It was the only thing I cared about in this world. I didn’t want a big home, I didn’t want to get married, I just wanted to train every moment I was free. My brain used to be more stimulated. My memory used to be good. My self-esteem used to be high but this height castrated me. Too bad my only solution is some expensive surgery in beijing.
I want to work 2 full-time jobs just to get them faster but this wait is rotting my brain. Training was my identity.
You are right that I see myself as less than a human now. I see myself as a degenerate. Not even the height surgery will fix that anymore..
The issue is definitely not your height.
The issue is the importance you assign to your height. It has come to eclipse everything else to the point that you want to get expensive, risky, unnecessary cosmetic surgery to change it.
We had a guy on here who had a tiny dick. You would have thought it was the size of the Sun, because everything revolved around it. He basically measured the world in penis size and found himself wanting.
You seem to do the same. One problem with such obsessions is that they eclipse other things that might matter a lot more.
No one cares about your height to the extent that you do. No one.
You should seriously just visit somewhere where everyone is super short and realise that that shit doesn’t matter.
Well, I figured no one would understand.
I look in the mirror and see a 12 year old boy. It screws with my head and I am too stubborn to ever let this go.
I know others have it worse, that doesn’t make me feel better honestly. There is a cutoff line in my eyes as to what is acceptable and this is below that line.
Would you want to live with no arms or legs? No wife or kids if you have any, etc.
Life lived in *self-denial* is pointless. Worthless.
Why live if you don’t enjoy it? Why live only in self-denial? It’s just not worth it.
Everyone has something. My thing was only training. I can’t let this go because it was all I had and all I needed. Nothing else will fill my void, only training but after all of this, it won’t be the same. I will probably never be the same.
look,
I read your previous posts & I think I have a grasp now of what the problem is
but I have this one question that i can’t find an answer to…
Is there anything “Physically Stopping You” from training again?
@FarahLajeenNourAlDeen
No, it’s all mental. I created a mental block.
I mostly stopped because I didn’t have a good base to work with. What I mean is that no matter how hard I trained, I would always look pathetic in my eyes due to my height.
Having an undeveloped body made me feel as if I were destined to fail in life. To be destined to live the life of a degenerate and the only solution I can think of is the height surgery.
There you have it…
It’s all in your head… 🙁
None of these things you “think of” are “Real Obstacles”…
YOU are “Condemning / Binding Yourself” to failure 🙁
Not God
Not your parents
Not the lack of money / resources
& Not even the wasted time
It’s all just “your thoughts”… 🙁
U talked before about how you wanted your physical strength / capacity to be a symbol / inspiration of “Will Power”…
Even if we imagine that someday you do get that surgery…
What example of “Will Power” are you striking NOW [to yourself & to others] when you give up on your whole life & on training just because of these “thoughts” in your head?
🙁
Surgery will not change the fact that you are “LETTING” your own thoughts defeat you…
Is this “Will Power”?
C
If only it were that easy.. I am aware that the way I act now is not a good demonstration of will power..
I tried to not let it get to me but height was fundamental to my dream. I am 5’5 but I might as well be 2 feet tall.
It is all mental but knowing that won’t fix me.
For example, if someone you loved died, I wouldn’t think that you or anyone else could simply say “it’s all mental” and move on. We can’t easily move on due to our hormones, the way our brain’s are wired, etc. We have basically no control over our brains and hormones.
Who knows though… maybe there is a way to be restored but for now, I will continue on this long journey for the surgeries..
Sorry about the negatively as I know it can get annoying.
It’s no wonder you find it hard to change those thinking patterns, after all, this has been central to your life for years.
But that does not mean you cannot change. Again, I would really encourage you to check out that book I recommended.
My “Bottom Line”, the core belief I hold about myself, is that I am bad, and that if only I could be with a woman I’m attracted to, it would go away. I would feel good about myself. Everything would be solved. But yeah, I believe I am bad, and that I risk “contaminating” anyone I spend too much time with/get too close to. I see myself as a toxic loser. A burden.
That is a super hard mindset to change, and it has given rise to some “Rules for Living” for me. One is that I cannot get too close to a woman I am attracted to, lest I am a bad influence. Another is that I don’t drive, because I’m scared of killing someone. Another is that I have to be as perfect as possible, because then maybe some beautiful woman might find me good enough, and this curse could be lifted. You see, it is really out there. I am kinda crazy. But this sh*t runs super deep with me.
According to the book, what happens is that every time you and I yield to our Rules for Living, that reinforces our Bottom Line. So your Bottom Line is different from mine, probably something along the lines of “I am small and therefore worthless”. I dunno, it is not for me to formulate it, that is up to you. And your rules for living are probably different too. But one of them is “I must be tall”. Which is why you want to get surgery. If you get surgery, that will only convince you further that being short makes you worthless.
But what happens if you have a short kid?
I really recommend you read that book mate.
All the best. I feel for you, I really do.