ocd..

the worst part of ocd??

to me, it isn’t my rituals and thoughts. its the way i live like its nothing to the world.

like im some lone kid who is misunderstood. listening to the jokes and shit people say..

“oh my god i need to wash my hands my ocd is so bad!!!”  because their hands got some dirt on them while cleaning a counter.

“i need to wash my truck later this week to cure my ocd hahaha”

“i colour coordinate my notes because im just an ocd person lmfao”

WHY? i hear these types of things every single fucking god damn day! alright, fair enough, maybe you do have clinical obsessive compulsive disorder and your truck needs to be washed at a certain time. Or, you do have OCD and consistently wash your hands of germs and dirt.. I GET IT! but it isn’t a word to add to your vocabulary to define yourself when you are clean or organized. it isnt some descriptive term to use when saying “tidy” isnt enough for you.

I have had the disorder since i was 11 years old, almost committed suicide 10 times because of it. It used to take me over an hour to walk up 5 stairs. it took me 45 minutes to pour a glass of water in my kitchen. i even refused to get my learners licence and i listened to my friends make fun of me for being over 17 and without it, because if i drove, i thought id kill someone. I starved myself as a ritual, i failed classes due to rituals, i CUT as a ritual.

what part of that is a fun thing to use in a daily conversation about pens? or organized fucking papers?

it isn’t keeping things organized, clean, and washing your hands.

no.

to be honest, my room is a mess 80% of the time, my notes are usually all over the place, and i wash my hands only when i need to.

but i have very severe OCD.

the images in your mind of yourself and loved ones being killed, the overwhelming and intense fear that if you dont do something a certain amount of times or until it “feels right”, and the feeling of knowing that if you dont do these rituals everything will still be ok, but having to do them anyways because thats what OCD does. it makes you feel crazy because even though i understand that if i dont walk in and out of my bedroom door 16 times this morning, loved ones wont die, but i do it anyways because the anxiety makes.

so no, to me the disturbing and anxiety filled images and thoughts, the hours spent on rituals.. these are not the worst part.

the worst part is having no one understand, to be alone in this battle while everyone jokes and makes fun of it like another little game people play.

stigma is a dangerous thing, chose your words wisely.