I feel uncertain about things again. Not that I haven’t felt this way already, but after the whole thing nary seven days ago with the girl and the concert she couldn’t make it to I’ve gone through alot of emotions. First of loss, confusion, regret, hatred, self-hate, and dissapointment. I went to that concert, for the record, with my other friend, and it felt like a bloody dream. I texted her throughout. It was a great night.
And after, I thought, “this isn’t her fault now is it?”. I was letting myself down over the fact she couldn’t make it, and I told myself i should give up. In truth I haven’t, she still means everything to me and I’m in a desperate struggle to get her back. The weird thing is that it’s kind of like going back to square one, in fact the same guy she was interested in when I was starting out is in the same position again. Is this going to be like some sort of deja vu from hell? Damned if I know, I just want to do something this time. God help me if I fuck up again, which is a very real possibility.
I’m letting my heart win. I don’t know what is right but this feels right anyway. I’m probably wrong. In fact I’m sure I’m wrong. Fuck it, one more go and if I screw up, I’ll have a perfectly legitimate reason for killing myself.
Broken heart.
3 comments
I know how you feel about going after the girl whos impossible to get. I fall into that cycle way too easily. I guess you just have to look at her and think is she leading me on to no end (maybe because shes flattered by the attention?) or does she really care about me because if shes with someone else then maybe shes just not as interested as you like to think. I know its a horrible and difficult thing to accept but sometimes you do just need to accept its not gonna happen and move on.
Take my recent example, i fell totally for this girl alice a few weeks ago. I figured she was so out of my league that id never get her. The day before i went on a trip out of england i lost some close friends to suicide all at once. I didnt know how to take it until my friend just said it showed how you cant miss an opportunity.
So i decided to ask her out on my train out on the spur of the moment, she said yes and i was estatic to be frank. I thought so much about her and even stopped all drugs full stop for her and endured withdrawal for her because she said that was a big issue.
So i ger back and ask if she wants to meet up, she replys saying on her trip to cyprus she got off with her friend and now she was with him. I was heartbroken and felt so betrayed yet despite that i still dreamt of her of her taking it all back and us kissing and going off together. At the end of the day fuck that. Why would i want to be with someone like that?
I dont know the back story to your situation but it just rung a bell. If it is the same story then please just do the right thing for you and stop wildly hoping and get on with life. I know its hard and it always feels like if you leave now things might change 10 seconds later and itll all be too late but trust me they wont. Sorry man.
If you wanna talk im at lauriejohnson1@hotmail.co.uk
in my head I know that’s the right thing to do, believe me.. I just don’t really have control over my emotions at this point.. God help me. >_>
I’ll wait and see what I can do… nothing’s happening between us right now anyway and that’s given me a moment to stop and calm down, thankfully.
The future is uncertain.