I’m purging again. It feels amazing now, because I feel in control. I feel my body shrinking. Part of me prays I will shrink away into nothing. I know eventually I’m going to implode, and everyone near me will feel it. I don’t want that.
I think about suicide less, but that’s cause I’m focusing on monitoring my weight loss.
And therapy. I don’t like it, but I know I need it. When I’m not throwing back my bf’s old anxiety meds, I’m trying to get the courage to leave the house to go get weed. I always want to be high. It’s the only time I feel ok.
I think I’m going to die soon. I’m not completely okay with it yet, and maybe I never will be.
3 comments
So I’ve kinda been doing the same thing. I want to die of starvation (not really, just saying it), and like just leave this shitty world. There’s this spiritual practice called Santhara, (gonna copy and past what it is) it’s a supplementary vow to the ethical code of conduct of Jainism. It is the religious practice of voluntarily fasting to death by gradually reducing the intake of food and liquids. What a dope way to go, foreal, like they are not dying cause they are miserable af, they die in peace, letting go of all needs, and becoming one with the earth again.
But Dis Is So Hard to do.
I was anorexic a couple years ago, I ate a very low amount of calories every day, and after a couple months I looked like a twig. I did it cause I didnt want to be fat.
But this time, I’m at a good weight, i just want to die. Now, I’m not really gonna go through with it cause that’s unhealthy, I remember all the faintings, and hair falling out I have a teensy bit of hope for life.. But having that control over my weight feels good, and it feels like I’m disciplining my body. I want to fast really bad.
Maybe you should ask yourself why you crave that kind of control?
I know that for me, it’s a lot to do with wanting to look good in other people’s eyes.
Eating disorders get a bad rap, but if the alternative is suicide then I say go for it. I’d like to hear how it works out for you. I go through phases where starving/purging makes me look and feel great, and other times it just makes me eat more and feel lousy about myself. One thing about purging is be careful about your teeth because it defeats the purpose of looking good if they fall out. Rinse thoroughly with water or chew Tums, and brush your teeth with your finger afterwards because toothbrush+acid = damage. There are actually youtube videos on how to minimize the damage of bulimia which is a lot more helpful than people shaming you telling you to quit. I really hope this works for you. The key is NOT hating yourself or feeling guilty, otherwise it spirals back to suicide. It sounds like you got a positive attitude about the whole thing so good luck 🙂