Trying to keep myself happy

Hello , I have made a decision tonight. So many nights I have kept letting my depression get to me. I am feeling a bit better tonight , Which is rare. But I am going to be depressed tonight again , soon. It usually gets to its worst at this time. I have been taking in much more caffeine than usual. It seems to be the only thing that works anymore. But it’s been less and less. And I know that I’m going to be depressed again tonight. I can feel it. I already am. It will get much more intense , probably. But for one night , I am literally so fed up with being depressed that I am going to take sone of my emergency vivarin(I usually only use them if I am having very severe suicidal impulses because I actually have a slight caffeine sensitivity , but hey , it helps , don’t judge me , honestly , in the state I am in , I really wouldn’t care if you did)and probably be so wired that I won’t be depressed for at least one night. I know it’s probably a cowardly thing to do , to dose my feelings away , but if you had any idea how  intense the last few nights have been and how hard it has been on me , you would understand. I literally had to reach out to a friend(something that is very terrifying for me to even think about because of my anxiety disorder)I’m sorry , I hope you don’t worry too much. I am just not able to Handel another night in the state I have been in. I’ll try to give updates. I rarely take pills because they seem to affect me much more than other people , but I’m sure you can understand. I just wanted to share this message because I was hoping that it might be somehow helpful to vent a bit. Wish me luck.