So, it’s been three weeks since my psychiatrist prescribed me some drops of escitalopram. I was hoping it was something that I could stop using whenever I wanted and that wouldn’t take control of my mind, but I found out that once you begin taking it, you can’t stop, or you’ll be feeling even worse (because of the side effects). I was scared it would have made me do things I don’t ‘believe’ in, such as being happy when there’s nothing to be happy about or being okay with a pointless, stupid life like mine. That’s why I’ve never started taking it.
I obviously made my parents/psycologist/psychiatrist believe that I’m taking them regularly. I guess they would somehow have felt betrayed if I told them I didn’t want to take it, as if I complained about my situation but did anything to change it.
The problem is, my psychiatrist told me that I should notice a difference within three weeks. He will send me an e-mail, in order to know if I feel better. I guess I could lie and tell them all I feel better… but this would make their hopes grow, and I’m afraid that this will make it harder for them, when they’ll find out that I’ve killed myself. On the other hand, I could tell them about my plan and the fact that I’m not taking the drops, but when I’ll have committed suicide, this will make them feel as if they could have helped me, because they knew everything, but what they did wasn’t enough.
I don’t want them to blame themselves for my death, but I don’t want to deceive them either.
I feel so sorry that this will hurt my family… I wish I was someone that would make them proud and happy, but I just want to go away.
9 comments
Sounds like a tricky dilemma, but if you define a few parameters the answer seems to pop up. The parameter to be defined is, are you absolutely sure you’re going to kill yourself? If the answer is yes, the rest is a no-brainer because your life doesn’t matter except to soften the blow of your death. And as you pointed out, they’ll be “happiest” If they think they tried their best. So take the medicine, or flush it, doesn’t matter, but tell them you’re taking it and it seems to be working.
If you’re not sure about killing yourself then you should define an additional parameter. Do you want to recover, or have you made up your mind that you’re heading toward suicide eventually? If you’ve given up hope then you’re basically in the category above. So the answer is to focus on preparing them for your impending death: tell them you’re following their treatment and it’s a good idea.
But the toughest situation is if you are stil hoping to recover. Then I think you should be completely honest with everyone in the hope that they can in fact help you. I don’t think anyone ever recovered from severe depression without the help of others, so this is your chance. I personally would take the medicine and tell them exactly how it makes you feel. Also tell them about your fears of withdrawal. Total honesty. We’re not dealing with crappy parents who are trying to shove you in a mental ward and be done; it sounds like they are caring enough to make the best decisions they can. What could it hurt? The great thing about suicide is you can always do it later.
I’m actually pretty sure I’m going to do it, so I guess I’ll keep telling them I’m taking it… thanks for helping me!
Where did you hear it’s impossible to stop taking the stuff? That’s just plain wrong. Plenty of people have stopped taking it, including me. Yes, sometimes there are withdrawal effects, but they’re usually not anything huge. For me, they were pretty much just minor annoyances.
Escitalopram might or might not help you (it didn’t help me a bit). But I don’t think you should be afraid to take it because you think it would be impossible to stop. As for being happy when there’s nothing to be happy about? Who knows, maybe it would help you find something to be happy about. Or maybe not. It seems like it’s worth a try, at least.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it is impossible to stop taking it… I meant that if you want to, you have to do it gradually. This requires time, and I don’t have much of it. Anyway, all the information I have comes from websites, so yes, maybe what I read wasn’t true.
I’m not sure why you have so little time…you don’t have even a few weeks to give the escitalopram a try? Yes, it’s true that you’re supposed to taper off of it gradually, but that only takes two or three weeks.
“I guess they would somehow have felt betrayed if I told them I didn’t want to take it, as if I complained about my situation but did anything to change it.”
Taking prescribed medication is not a way to feel better. As you said in the first paragraph,it’s ultimately makes you worse from side effects. They make it seem like there is a rise before the fall but there is not. There is no rise, just a deep deep fall. Like Samara being dropped into the well in The Ring. I could lie and say anyPsych meds I took helped me, but they did not. Not a bit, they did not change my level of happiness or “sanity” I was the exact same they just added pain, weight gain, movement disorder, metabolic disorders, membrane disorders, motivation disorders, and insecurity.
That’s what I was afraid of… I’m sorry you had to go through this, I hope you feel better now.
Holy crap I’m in the exact same situation, except with Citalopram because Escitalopram made me psychotic. I’m not taking any medication, people think I am. People are expecting me to come out of my dark hole and be “normal” again. Similar to you, I don’t want to be fake happy. I would rather be depressed than some make believe-reality.
Exactly! This is such a bad situation. Hope you get out of it.