I really want to die, I want to kill myself in the most painful way.
I hate waking up everyday, thinking that someone is going to come in my life and turn everything around. Why do I think this?? It obviously isn’t going to happen. I am so miserable and I hate everything about myself. I’m 20 years old and have no friends. No one cares about me, not even my parents, even though they say they do. Everything is always about them, I try to tell them that i’m not okay, but they end up making it about themselves. I don’t like talking to people as much either way, but it would be nice to have at least one person to check up on me or just someone to talk to about anything.
The thing is I can’t feel anything, I don’t feel sad,angry, happy.. anything! I feel empty and just don’t understand. I’m sick of it. I quit my job because I thought it would be better for me, but I think it made me worse. I think I should just end it… I just think I’m a piece of shit, worthless, no good for anything anyways. Such a waste of life.
3 comments
Do you do any substance abuse? I ask because when I was on opiates, I got to the point you talk about of total numbness. No feelings whatsoever. Which is a bit of a misnomer as the lack of feelings is quite miserable. But yeah, it was like my soul was stuck in a black hole.
It took a while after I stopped, but feelings did come back. Just in time to get divorced, but it was so much better than before when I felt nothing.
And it’s not just opiates that do that. I actually stopped those quite a long time before I got better but I prolonged the numbness with other things – weed, benzos (prescribed but in hindsight not needed), kratom… I dont touch anything now – even alcohol which I never had a problem with – and have been living some of my worst years but survivable because I got my sanity back just in time.
I actually don’t have an abuse on any substance.
I guess it’s never that easy…but I at least know the feeling regardless of why