I’ve lost so much. I was in a beautiful relationship for 8 years, and I ruined it because I couldn’t control myself and ended up becoming an alcoholic. I’ve been depressed since I was 12, and when I asked my mother for help, she would say she didn’t have time. She made it clear that it wasn’t serious enough to bother with. I never got the help I needed, and so I turned to drinking to feel some sort of relief.
Being drunk for 5 years straight, it was hard to understand my emotions, even more so than before. Even though I had everything I could ever want, I still felt despair and unhappiness and I couldn’t understand why. Drinking made it worse. I couldn’t think anymore, I only experience emotions without any known cause. Self hatred, depression, despair, loneliness, unhappiness, boredom, uselessness, neglect.
In my past relationship, it was unhealthy. I was abused and abused them. I was raped and emotionally manipulated. My parents were horrible to each other, I’ve been poor my whole life, yada yada yada…
One day, I felt I needed to leave the current 8 year relationship in order to take care of myself. But I couldn’t fully explain how I was thinking at the time because I was so impaired. I hurt them by telling them we should be apart, and now they don’t trust me and can’t be with me because I left to take care of myself. I only told them we should be apart because I didn’t want them to put their life on hold while I fix myself. I couldn’t bear to inhibit their life because I had issues I needed to deal with. It wasn’t because I didn’t love them, I truly do, and without them I’m rotting inside. I was trying to save them from myself.
I’ve been sober for 3 weeks, and now I feel like there’s no point. I’ve wanted to die for years, and now that I have nothing to live for, and not even liquor to distract me, my feelings are overwhelming and I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to live life without my love.
I’m sure I’m being selfish and irrational and over emotional, I know more people have it worse than me. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, not compared to what others have gone through. But I’m so empty, I have nothing left to give, and I want to leave so desperately but I’m scared.
I don’t know how to do it, I don’t have access to any guns, and I’m afraid pills won’t be fast enough.
Would liquor and pills be the easiest way?
Has anyone left and come back and seen what’s on the other side?
2 comments
I been divorced for 3 years and drinking ever since. Life fucking sucks dude. If I told you any different I’d be lying to ya. I tried to kill my self with alcohol and beta blockers…..tried hanging myself, tried getting access to a firearm Nothing worked.
Your plan will backfire. I know the easiest ways and alcohol and pills is not one of em. Pills have a 12% success rate. Mixing them with alcohol will probably make you choke to death on your own vomit. Sounds painful as hell.
Once thing I learned from my experiences is that killing yourself is hard! I wanna die everyday. I’m still alive, unfortunatly, because I don’t have any peaceful and quick methods.
I’m sorry to hear that. But thank you for the information about the pills.
It’s so crazy to me seeing all these “happy” people and feeling so alone and wondering why more people don’t want to just leave this world.