My whole life I’ve been losing the people I care about.
Starting with my alcoholic dad. After my mom left him when I was two years old I’ve never seen him again. He cared more about his alcohol then his own daughter.
I grew up with my mum and little sister. But since my mum was sick I was the one taking care of them. She never saw a docter but she wouldn’t leave the house on her own and would mainly lay on the couch. I now see the she is mentally ill. She would beat me. She would think I was causing her sickness so my grandma would drive me across the country to see these special ‘healers’. I grew up strongly feeling that I didn’t want to be alive. I had eating disorders and was self harming.
I have also always had the feeling I had been abused when I was younger because of the nightmares I had and the way I would completely panic when my uncle would touch me. I asked my mum once and she flat out said it just wasn’t possible. We never spoke of it again.
Then my sister became addicted to cocaine which caused a lot of stress. She went missing and when she returned after a few months she got in bed and never really got out. She still is not functioning because of depression and anxiety.
When I was 18 I got a job at a laboratory. I didn’t go to college so I could stay close to my mum to take care of her and my sister. I loved my job as it took me out of the depression I had been in. Of course I had also had two bad relationships. One with a guy that kept cheating on me and one with a guy that began to abuse drugs as part of his music career. So I really needed a normal life and this job helped to get away from all that. Until I was being assaulted by a colleague. He even stalked me for a short time afterwards. I pressed charges, he was fired but I lost my job aswel because of it.
A few month later I got a call that my best friend was found dead. She turned out to be murdered by her ex. That year was really tough. I got out of bed in the morning only for her and I made it through that year. Then I met a guy that became my boyfriend. I got a job in his hometown so I moved to the other side of the country, only visiting my mum and sister in the weekends.
For the first time in my life I felt safe and loved. I didn’t really have any friends left but I also didn’t invest in that sice I had him. And I didn’t want to risk losing even more people and he was all I needed.
After a year I started to have panic attacks when he would touch me. My old trauma came back. I went in to counceling but it didn’t work. At that time my mum went crazy aswel. She started having these complot theories about her and my being molested by the entire family. She didn’t know I was having these issues but I took some distance since it was making my process a lot more complicated and I would never find out the truth. I have never heard from her again. I haven’t had contact with the rest of my family (uncle and grandma) because they were blamed as the perpetrators by her. I won’t know the truth but I have never felt safe around them. I have never heard from them either. My sister won’t answer my messages, I guess she feels like I left her, being the one that always took care of her. So I don’t have any family to turn to. Nor do I have any friends.
Me not being able to have sex with my boyfriend caused a lot of issues. Eventuely we broke up a couple of months ago. All I have now is a job. I don’t have a home (staying at a b&b) and I don’t have anyone to talk to.
And to be honest, I don’t want new relationships because I don’t think I will be able to open up and trust. Not when I know in the end I will be left alone.
I feel like a waste of space, unable to be loved. I deleted the number of my ex because I didn’t want to keep bothering him with how shit I feel. He was the only one I could talk to but I feel selfish because I have been enough of a burden.
That’s why I want this to end. I am almost 27 and life has cost me more then it got me. I am worn out and I don’t want to keep bothering people with the fact that I’m alive. I have so much pain that I carry with me. It is too much for me and I never want others to hurt from that again.
Right now I’m traveling by myself, on a holiday. I haven’t left my hotelroom for days because I have just been crying. But when I get home I know exactly how I’m going to do it. I hope that thought will keep me going for a couple more days.
4 comments
Wow you have been through a lot, but it seems to me you are a very strong person. Please don’t do it. Don’t you have friends or colleagues at work? Go out there and try to make friends. Try to see a therapist to talk about the abuse and give love a new chance. Please don’t take your life
Stay strong you are strong person. You will gradually get out of the hole you are in. Hang in there
I don’t have friends. I have no one. I just don’t see why I have to suffer this much. I have been surviving all my life. Always trying to get through another day. But I’ve realized it get’s impossible when there’s no one that cares about you. It’s the loneliness that kills me. And it’s my own fault I’m lonely. Because I’m just to broken to let people in.
I needed to take a break from work, so I went traveling. But it doesn’t matter where I am, I’m still just as lonely. I’m surrounded by people but I don’t even want to talk to anyone. Because I can’t take any more hurt.
It doesn’t matter where I am or what I do, I’m always suffering. I always have. And I always will. That’s why I need to put an end to this. I haven’t been able to controle the things that happend to me, but I can get this suffering to stop.
Although my story is different from yours, I sort of suffer from the same symptoms. As you said one can only try surviving from one day to another with a little hope for a positive change.
I know how hard it can be knowing that there is noone who cares for you, noone that you can talk to when you just need someone listening to your problems and noone to lean onto. Most people have their own problems or a just not able to help, because they simply can’t empathize with you and your feelings.
Your wish to end it all is very understandable, it really is, but be aware that you always have the possibility do that, right now and in the future. Just try to focus on the next day, try to find joy in the littlest things, no matter how unimportant they might seem at first. I have a habit of forgetting my successes throughout my everydaylife, so I have to concentrate hard to keep in my mind what I have achieved so far to keep a positive attitude. Surviving in your current situation is a struggle, no doubt about that, but maybe it is worth it and some time in the future it gets better and you can live the life that you wish for.