So I ordered the package with what I am killing myself (without giving any details, because I will not discuss methods anymore) and it should be delivered by tuesday. Is it normal to feel this nervous and scared? It’s like now it’s for real that I am scared
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Are you sure you want to do this?
No, but I don’t have another choice
Why?
Are you a girl?
Yes I am.. Why?
It’s all up to opinion and personality.
If you are the type you might feel fear
If you have accepted that your death is coming up than you may feel relieved!
You are probably scared because you feel fear of punishment
(I don’t relate)
But a lot of people “oh I don’t want to let my parents down”
Or this is a scary one “I might be put in an institute”
If any paranoid fucksucker makes up in their own half-mentally/emotionally/spiritually-retarded mind that you could be up to something
It’s like a mouse finding a cheese when they haven’t had any for years
They will get off on putting you in an institutionalize hell
But then again, they only get off from nasty spiteful shit
Then they will use it and everything else little they know of you against you for the rest of your life.
That also does not apply to me
My mom is the type to say “my grandma’s son died from self-harm before she died that is why she died 6 months-1 year later”
Or “My grandma’s dad died after she died because he was ‘heart broken’ or whatever”
Or “you can’t die before me”
I’m like “oh boo – so you’re the boss of my decision-making faculties – not right”
My parents have never been self-sufficient and struggle with their own physical health.
I always fear in result of my death they will die sooner than if I hadn’t or be in shock or some crazy health thing like heart attack.
They already act insane 75% of the time, if I died it might push them over tipping zone to going completely berserk.
Okay so I feel scared for a couple of things: possibility of hell, the method I chose is going to take 2 hours maybe (scared of the pain). Plus my mother is the sweetest human being in this world, she will be so heart broken. But I really don’t have any other choice..
I sent this same reply to Peach, but I will repost here, read it carefully.
I don’t know what you are dealing with. But know that there is nothing for an infinite being to fear.
Are you an infinite being? Yes. Put the human ‘you’ is finite, will cease to exist. You are not who, what or where you think you are.
At some point, God evolved to one unique identity. This phenomenon came about by way of the mathematical argument that there is the infinite domain of God and all else is non-existence, what God is not. In Vulcan metaphysics, it is stated as, ‘nothing unreal exists.’ God is increasing at an infinite rate toward infinity, but we can regard that domain, which is a null domain, where God is not as the void into which God is expanding. Such an expansion requires infinite adaptability to express the infinite series of potentialities regarding the null void: What is God not? All that God is falls into that domain of the infinitely expanding identity of God. All that God is not falls into that null domain that God is expanding into.
This ‘void’ of ‘what God is not’ includes: sickness, disease, war, cruelty, rape, poverty etc. these are the manifestations that we have created in order to explore this ultimate remaining question that can be asked for infinity: ‘what is God not?’…
In order to expand into this void, ‘what is God not?’ A multitude of unique, infinite domains identical in construct to God must be created to explore the potentialities of this infinite question. The question is infinite; the domains that explore the infinite question must also therefore be infinite in scope and duration. These infinite domains are sentient life. The sentient beings are those that are charged with answering, or rather, exploring the potentialities of the infinite question, what is God not? This is what you are. You are a unique infinite domain, God is expanding through you.
Information cannot be destroyed. Information can, however, fall into an infinite domain, that was the guiding principle of the Holographic Principle of Quantum Mechanics. How convenient that you just happen to be an infinite domain.
where is that information going? Have you ever thought deeply about that question? Who, what, where… Where are your thoughts and perceptions going? Who or what is the ultimate receiver of information that you are thinking and perceiving? You can reply simply; ‘I.’ However, it is highly unlikely you have identified ‘I.’ If you do not identify yourself as an infinite spirit being, an infinite domain, identical to God, indifferentiable from God, existing in an infinite domain, only perceiving this finite domain, you have no clue regarding; ‘I.’
I was scared of pain when I was younger. Now I realize pain is ok. You just have to not be afraid of it. This is how I always fought the pain “after you die you won’t even realize it happened and you were in pain. You will never feel more pain again.”
Hello. I hear you. I understand too. Scared is a good sign. It means you still have hope inside. Have you spoken to anyone about this yet?
Why do you feel like you have no choice?
I am in no position to advise you anything.
So I am not.
I will say this. The way you choose to go, yes, it will be painful. Yes, it will last long. Much longer than two hours, it will be a lifetime. 23 years for you.
Here is where I say ‘but’,…
But you won’t hurt yourself as much as you hurt others around you. That is the truth really. I know that you think of yourself as an accident. But, if you are religious enough to believe in hell, and perhaps god. Then believe this, someone put you here. And it was not an accident. And as for hell. I am not a religious person. But I know that hell is made not of inferno, pitchfork, or whatever mumbo jumbo they may tell you in the bible. It is made of you. It is made of your fear, your self hatred, your anger, your nightmare, your regrets. And most of all, your pain. It is not going to be a goodnight sleep.
If you are determined to end it, end it without regret. End it with happiness, smiling as you go. You think of yourself as a narcissist, and I can’t say that I know you, so I can’t tell with certainty either. But if you hate that side of you. Tone it down to pride. You who have stand 23 years of this. You who are looking for an end, who think of yourself as unwanted in life, you are here. And for someone out there. Someone close to you, or someone from a future, distance as it may seems.
You matter. A lot.
I don’t think that it is impossible for you to change that narcissism into pride. A pride for what you have lived, for the right you did, the wrong you survived. It has been hard.
But you are here. Take pride in that
So you believe in an afterlife, without hell? Thank you for your words they really mean a lot to me. I am not really proud of who I am and how I am. That’s one of the reasons I want it to end. I can not end it in happiness, because I am scared. But as I said I have no other choice. I am just hoping I don’t end up in hell and that the ones I leave behind don’t have too much pain
there is no eternal damnation or ‘hell’ where beings are cast into for infinity
So you believe in an eternal sleep?
for me, you are brave.
I saw death through the eyes of another once. And it scared me
Everyone is afraid to die. It is just that some people realize that after they already gone too far.
I know I sound cliche, but do something that you can be proud of before you go
Doesn’t have to be big, just something. Perhaps a kiss on a cheek for your mother, a warm hug. Something that seem completely opposite from that person you hate so much, the one you call yourself.
Can you do that? If not for yourself, then for me, a stranger I know. But I really don’t like it when someone just flicker out without meaning.
One last thing to be proud of before going
I will probably regret it after it’s too late. Yes I will kiss my mom and hug her, but while doing it I will feel like a big hypocrite. I am so sick of who I am, I’m a disgusting person and my mother doesn’t deserve this. She has a golden heart you know. I just wished I was more like her, but no I had to be like my father. She has spent her whole life in hell with my father (he’s extremely narcissistic). Imagine spending 50 years in a household with a narcissist. My mother is hyperempathic. She doesn’t want to divorce him, because she is very religious and hyperempathic. He doesn’t deserve him, she doesn’t deserve this, she doesn’t deserve a child like me. I wish I was never born. I can’t change my brain, I tried everything, but I just can’t and I am really sick of myself. My mother’s life will be ruined even more when I’m gone, but I have no other choice. Sorry for the rant
You take after your mother too. Even if it feels like a facade to you, even if it somehow feels fake
To me it is not. You feel bad for your mother
Rant all you want, time is a luxury right? You are spending it on someone so strange and far away like me.
That to me is empathy. And recognizing she is an amazing person as you say she is, a person with a golden heart, well. You are one too.
I don’t know how life has treated you, and yea, I kind of know how it felt to be useless worthless and helpless. It can’t be compared to how you feel right now, I am not there yet. But if there is one thing i want you to know. It is that don’t think of yourself as a hypocrite while doing that.
A mask can grow to be a part of yourself. The mask you wear right now, the kind and knowing mask. It really goes well on you. Wear it. Wear it well. You are not a hypocrite for doing that
Wow you are a really nice person who really sees the good in people. I just feel like a hypocrite, you know why? Because I am taking my life on tuesday. And I promised myself to be really sweet to my mother on monday and do some last good deeds; clean the house for her etc. But this feels even more hypocrite, because it is like giving her false hope and then killing myself. I just wish I was different or had a different brain. I really want to live life, but it is impossible for me to survive.. It is very complicated
I am going to say something that sound wrong and cliche, but it is not false hope until you make it so. Just like how a lie isn’t a lie if you can make it a reality.
In all honesty, I want people to live on. For you to live on. Life has been, shitty. Pardon my language. Perhaps in a few more years, I will be right there where you are.
Would I still say the thing I say now, if I am in your shoes, in your mind. Know the pain you have to go through. I do not know.
“Better days are ahead, only if you are still breathing to see those days”
I don’t have much faith in that saying, but I have faith in the person that said it.
I hope you find the yourself better in another day. As a person, with a different state of mind.
Maybe not tomorrow, and maybe time is short. But I hope you find that, I hope you find that brighter day, the day you see clearer the good side of you. You have that.
I just can’t live my life as an actor. It feels so fake. I can keep up with it for a day or two, but then the selfish me is there again. It is just my brain lacking grey matter, so I will never be able to feel empathy. There are no better days, I am sure of that. And I am sure of my decision. But thank you for the positivity, you seem to be a really nice person.
I want to tell you to live on, that you are not as bad a person as you think you are, and that people need you in your life. You matter, a lot.
I hate that I can’t be there physically to help, but then, would it have mattered. I am quite useless when it comes to things like this, to everything if I am honest.
I can’t change your resolve. If you are determined to go, I truly hope you find peace.
I am sorry