Love, affection, some laughs and fun. Itd be nice, I say. That’s all I really want, I say. My life’s not so bad but somewhere along the line my self loathing must have taken over. The, I’m not good Enuf’s. The awkward, I’m not sure how to hold this conversation, the guilt from when I was a dog, and the internal, why do u wanna know (whatever it is your asking), don’t judge me *****!
So Ya, I’m fucked in the head.
But Now it’s a little different. Now I get some of what I (think I) want. Tho not from people where I feel like naturally reciprocating. I could do it, sure, but I’d be lying. We’d sleep together and eventuAlly (like the next day when sober) I couldn’t keep up the facade. Then I’m the dirt bag, which would be okay I guess, like so many other guys, but unlike them I feel guilty.
So instead I get these wierd conversations and questions, “what’s wrong with you?” Or “I don’t get you.” “How are you 33, single,and no kids?”
I’m a good guy, y’all! I don’t see a relationship with you and feel guilty two-timing you. But when you put me on the spot my options are A. Lie and bone, hurt you and feel guilty (even if I don’t end up hurting you kuz these are your intentions) B. Say some hurtful thing like, girl, ew. Or C. Clam up a bit, and you don’t understand my silence which makes me a weirdo.
And In Response to “why…33…single…etc, well that’s not really fair to ask, at least ask a person of my unstable emotional status. And you don’t feel so trustworthy for me to tell, random girl of whom I just met and don’t know your name.
Look, I get that it’s all in my head but it’s not like there’s some easy answer for me to , you know, not be me