3 years ago, back when I entered high school, I decided to change schools with the sole purpose of leaving behind every single one of the fucks I met back in junior high school. Those 3 years in junior high school were the beginnings of my depression, and I thought a change of scenery would help. Ironically, everyone else left that school, except for my friends (at least on that time they were my friends), so my plan didn’t work out quite as well as I was expecting, so I started high school alone.
I forced myself into socializing, and I met A LOT of people, which in theory would mean I wouldn’t be alone, right? Well, joke’s on me. I left behind my true friends, only to feel more alone than ever before, and the more people I met, the lonelier I felt. Still, I can’t say I didn’t make any friends, but I was NEVER someone’s priority.
So, I started college last August, and a lot of people I met in high school left to other schools, and my junior high school “squad” of friends fell apart after all, after 6+ years of being together. So, I was left only with the very few friends that stayed on the same school as I did. But now I want to leave, again. I want to continue my studies somewhere else, which basically brings me back to the same spot I was 3 years ago, before starting high school.
The thing is, I don’t feel comfortable here anymore. My only “purpose of life” is to mean something to someone, and right now I don’t feel like I mean anything to anyone, just like back then. I’m not anyone’s priority, my few friends have other better and more important friends than me. If I don’t talk to them first, they won’t make the same effort for me, and I don’t want to make them think that I’m a nuissance or I’m begging for attention. So yeah, I met a lot of people, and I’m more alone than ever.
But changing schools (again) would mean that eventually I would have to meet more people, so the cycle would repeat itself, and I would feel even lonelier than before. Not meaning anythin to anyone is killing me from inside. And I don’t even know if my reasons for leaving this school are the correct ones. I’ve asked several people about what I’m planning to do, and all I wanted to hear from even ONE of them is a “please, don’t leave”. That alone would be reason enough for me to stay. But no one actually cares. They don’t give a shit about where I end or what I do with my life, so that means that they don’t care about me, at all. But feeling like you don’t fit anywhere is probably worse. At least if I end up leaving, if the people that are already there don’t care about me, I won’t feel bad. They won’t know who I am after all, so it’s logical they won’t give a shit about me. But it feels fucked up that people who DO know me act the same way.
Alas, I’m in some sort of internal conflict, where one part of me thinks there’s no point in leaving if I will end up the same (or even worse), but the other part tells that I should give it a try; one of the reasons I’m leaving is that I want people to miss me and need me back and feel that I’m an important part in their lives (although clearly I’m not, I’m expendable. Always been, always will be).
And the part that wants me to leave is winning right now.
I don’t feel like there’s anything left for me here.
2 comments
“please, don’t leave”.
When it comes to school, I dunno how many people ever actually say that. With romantic partnerships, maybe. With the site topic, a lot.
I don’t see not getting that type of response as not caring. They probably gave their opinion on your deliberations while seeing it as a type of opportunity. Most friends think it’s good to try new experiences if it’s what a person wants, usually are glad for them. Or because it’s your life and your interests they aren’t sure what to think, a whatever works for you deal.. I’m speculating.
I dunno. Lot of times I think people are preoccupied too, and it’s not so much you aren’t important but they get busy with other things. And people are different.
A new start could bring what you’re experiencing now, or something different. Won’t know until you try. But make sure most of you wants to actually do this, that the school has programs you’ll be interested in. Worst case you’ll still have that to focus on, but have a chance of meeting like-minded individuals in courses. Wanting to be missed.. not the best reason for a major life decision.
I’m basically just like you to a certain extent. Coming from a broken family, and causing those private matters to affect me socially, and internally. I pushed away alot of people, and since I don’t understand, in my own opinion, of what love really feels like. I just want to be by the person that I love, and surround myself with people I call family. But what I’ve learned is that, no one will really say “please, don’t go”. In all honesty for an average person to say that would seem selfish in a way. If i didn’t have my own issues I would see those words as holding a person back, and not letting them pursue their dreams. Although, I find this way of thinking to be selfish, the need for people to ask you to come back. I say move or not, but I say you need to start understanding and loving yourself more. It’s hard as shit, but this whole feeling of loneliness, from my perspective, comes from an unhealthy relationship with your past. Trust me, i snapped at someone who i considered a close friend a couple of days ago because of this feeling of loneliness, i haven’t seen or talked to him in a year or so. We’re meeting up in a few weeks. I don’t know if it’ll be the last time, or not, but none the less being apart hurt alot. And thinking about ending this friendship completely because I think they don’t care hurts even more. Personal growth and development is something you should work on, as much as it hurts to feel like no one is on your side. It’s better to work on yourself at this point. I really mean this because I feel exactly like ypu at some points. That feeling of loneliness is pushing me to suicide, after the new year ends, depending on how I feel, and depending on new circumstances I’ll probably be dead by february or so. I may not make sense, we all live for different reasons, and your reason is wanting to feel loved and needed. Don’t let it drive you to suicide like me, pursue personal growth, try care about yourself more, and trust in people that they care. You have to learn to trust people
Maybe see a therapist, up to you. Everything starts with you.