I have stage four cancer and keep myself alive by taking medicine that makes me feel like shit all the time, and all the while prolonging my miserable life so that I can pretend to be happy. Everyone thinks I’m soooo strong blah blah blah and such a caring person but in actuality I don’t give a shit about anyone, or myself. I’ve always been too weak to go through with actually killing myself. The only way I think I could do it is to stop taking my medicine and let nature take its course. But then I have “good” days. And what happens if I get regretful and think I really don’t want to die. And what if “hope” intervenes.
I really don’t know anymore.
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I don’t know any more either. I am hearing live live and feel fearful most of the time. No idea whether to stay or go, do I have the courage for either? Damn if I know.
My cancer has been stable since April, which was really good news, but I have had this empty feeling growing bigger and bigger. Just had new scans and there were new suspicious areas on my skull. As much as I was disappointed, a part of me was…happy? Relieved? Excited? That maybe I won’t beat this after all.
I think I’m feeling hopeless because one of the medicines I was on has caused a chronic pain issue. So I just don’t see the use of extending my life anymore.
Hey, Mask. So sorry for what you’re going through. Only you can make these decisions. What’s the next step? More scans in a few weeks or months?
You have the right to receive no care other than palliative, but your family may have difficulty with accepting that decision. You can broach the subject of hospice with the doctor or with hospice themselves. Figuring out how to manage symptoms, so that you have some quality of life. My thoughts are with you.
My late father in law did just one chemo and said no more. He went to hospice. Palliative care only. No one questioned it. We had just enough time to say our good byes. We all knew it was best for him, and that was best for us.
Have you brought this up to your oncologist? Depending on your diagnosis and prognosis, there may be a treatment that has less side effects that could give you more time without all the sickness that comes with chemo.
I used to work in oncology and I understand what you’re going through. If you want to discuss something don’t wait. There’s always someone on call, even on Christmas.
This is really good advice.
Thanks all. Feeling a little better. I will check with my oncologist to see what other treatment options are. I’ve been on many – been living with this for ten years. Very lucky, and feel ashamed I even think about ending it. But, you all know how it is.