Hi.I’m new to this site.Please excuse my English because it’s not my native language.I wanted to tell my story,so i decided to log in to this site. I’ve been reading many of the posts on the suicide project and I thought to write about myself,to make a confession.
I’m 32 years old,male. My life is empty. Since I was a little kid I didn’t care about anything, I was very apathetic. I have also been sad and melancholic since then. At the age of 11-12 I stopped caring about education. I ended up doing shitty jobs by the time I graduated from school. I didn’t like them,so most of the times i quited. Now I’m unemployed.
I had,and I still have,trouble connecting with other people. I’m alone. I don’t go outside,except when I want to buy cigarettes or food. I smoke a lot. Talking to others is a burden to me. I know that every time I have to pretend that everything is OK,because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable. I can’t take it anymore. I can’ t live among other people and I can’t live by myself.
I have depression and I can’ t stand it. I cry a lot and I can’t take the pain. I feel very tired and there are days that I can’t even get up from my bed. I cannot see any future for me. I don’ t want to do anything, I just want my life to end. I’ve made two suicide attempts. I tried to hang myself and I couldn’t do it.I don’t know what to do anymore. My whole life was nothing and I don’ t have any hopes.
Yesterday I was crying again. I was thinking about my life. I haven’t done anything in my life. I live alone and I don’t have many friends. I spend most of my time lying on my bed and watching videos on youtube. I know that I’m finished. Even now,as I write this, I cry. I know that even today most of the people will be with their families,their friends,their loved ones and they will spend new years’ eve having good time,and I’ll be alone,probably on my Pc watching videos,waiting to go to sleep. I just wish to find the courage to end my life.
I tried,I tried a lot to find something to do,to find a purpose,but in vain. I can’ t do anything. I’m hopeless. There are times that I hate myself. I have panic attacks. That’s why I want to end it all. I don’t believe in God or in an afterlife. And I don’t think that suicide is the solution. But I prefer suicide from this life.
I don’t know when I’ll come back to write in this site again. I’ ve been reading many of the posts and I can feel how the people feel. Maybe telling others about your problems is cathartic or maybe not, I don’t know…
I wish to all of you to do whatever you want to do. Goodbye.
8 comments
I can relate to most of what we say. I am around a year older than you, and in almost the exact same situation.
To me, it sounds like you need help. You are trying to handle this on your own, but sometimes that is not possible.
I know it sucks to feel like you have wasted precious time and opportunities in life. I feel that way. But you can’t do anything about it. You don’t have to be a slave of your past. You can change your life. Just get some help.
Most of what you wrote is true.Yes,I tried to overcome my problems on my own and I haven’t seen any (good) results.You know,I talked to a friend of mine who’s bipolar and he too told me to go a psychotherapist.But I just can’t do it.My whole worldview is extremely pessimistic,I might say nihilistic.I don’t believe in anything no more and certainly in any kind of future.I know that you try to help and I appreciate it a lot,but I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.I keep thinking about me,about the world,about everything and everytime I’m feeling worse and worse.Anyway,thank you for your comment.
Firstly, your English is fantastic and know that’s not a problem.
If I may quote Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it.” That may be the truest statement I’ve heard in my 47 years. If you’re going to lay around, watching videos, DO find the time to watch that series. There’s a lot to it worth watching.
But aside from that, maybe it’s time for a change. A big one like a move to a different place. You share your issues with anxiety. Isn’t it worth it to face them head on before you decide to walk away from it all? Play with some ideas on where you’d like to go, how would you get there and what would be some (reasonable) expectations to achieve once you get there.
Be brave and take some risks before picking up another rope. If you have nothing to lose, then you can face the fears and who knows where it will take you?
Good luck!
I’ve watched many years ago some episodes of Buffy,and yes,it’s a good series.Anyway,everytime I tried to do something different I failed.As I wrote to muspelhem,I am a pessimist.I see other people trying again and again and I admire their strength,but I ain’t got any.Everytime I think to try something new,I also think what the results will be: either I’ll fail or even if I succeed it’ll be a short time happiness and then I’ll get back to my misery.Also I think that in my position there aren’t much to do.I wish I have tried harder when I was younger,but I can’t change the past.It will be haunting me forever.Anyway,thank you for comment.
I hope you see this comment. Anyway, I am a pessimist by nature (or a lot of nurture, Idk) too. I have always expected the worst as a sort of defence mechanism. That way, I won’t be disappointed, right? And I’ll be prepared for whatever may come.
The problem is that I wonder if my fears become self-fulfilling prophecies. What REALLY made me wonder was recently when I went on a great date. We both agreed to meet again. Then I had a bad day and lost all my confidence. I told her not to waste her time on me, that I was unworthy, bla bla bla. Afterwards I was at my wits’ end. What just happened? Why did I sabotage myself? I literally rejected myself – she had nothing to do with it.
My advice to you would be that even though pessimism comes easier to you, try being grateful and optimistic. Seeing the glass as half-full. Noticing opportunities more than limitations. It takes a lot of work. It’s counterintuitive. Sometimes you just want to give up. I feel like that right now. But where does pessimism lead? I think maybe it leads you to paint yourself into a corner. I know someone who is prone to pessimism. Observing her when she is in that mood, she keeps mentioning reasons why what she wants to do is impossible. Her whole focus seems to be on limitations. I’m not saying you should be delusional, but if you only focus on obstacles, I just doubt you’ll ever achieve anything.
So yeah… Try optimism.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOGAp9dw8Ac
I saw your comment (obviously,since I’m responding to it). Although I don’t know if you’ll see my response.
In order to be an optimist,you have to have a goal, a purpose. I have nothing. And I’m not waiting for anything good to happen to me. I like that you’re trying to be an optimist, I just can’t function in that way.
I have a job now (I can’t say that I like it) and I guess I’m better(?) – at least I don’t cry all the time. Basically I’m just trying to find ways to kill time as I wait to die…
The only thing that makes me feel good is talking to a girl that I met here on the SP. I won’t say her name to you,’cause I don’t know if she wants me to say it…And probably I’ll be very uncomfortable if I find out that she read this comment… Anyway, she’s a lovely girl and a very pleasant company. She’s a lot younger than me, but she’s very smart and very skillful. I try to help her anyway I can,because I don’t want her to go through what I’ve gone through. And to tell you truth, I worry too much about her. She’s very pessimistic and I try to make her feel better and basically I tell her what you tell me in your comment. I really hope that she’ll be able to do whatever she likes…
If only you can realize the true power of being alone. Become lost in your helplessness or find a light. Black and White thinking. All thinking must eventually come from somewhere. Stop labelling and become one with it. The happening
I know that there are many people who live by themselves and they like their loneliness.I admire them,I really do.But I can’t live in that way.I feel weak and I want,I really want to have friends.But how can you care for others when you don’t care about yourself?Or if you know that you care too much for the others and not for yourself?Yes,loneliness can be good sometimes,but only sometimes.And in my case,there are times that I am amongst other people and i still feel alone and I can’t take it.I feel like I am in a kind of purgatory: I can’t live and I can’t die.Anyway,thank you for your comment.