Do I? I know I will might make same mistakes agains. I really want someone answer this question. HOW DO YOU TRUST YOURSELF AFTER MAKE MISTAKE? I know I will do it again and there is nothing I can do about it. I will hurt people no matter what. I love them and I still hurt them. I hurt my family with my choices. I hurt them for like women. I hurt them for wear different clothes than their belief. I will hurt them when I am plan to cut my hair short. I will hurt them even if I did those thing to make myself happy.. I know those thing are not that big deal to other people but it is really big deal for us, our culture. It should not hurt them but it just DID. I really HATE myself for that. I knew I was different for long time. I really don’t want hurt anyone anymore. I am fuck tired that it continue happening. I am tired. I really am better off dead. I don’t deserve all those lucks or “blesses”. How can I deserve those thing after see so many people be unhappy with me?
Fuck this
FUCK THIS.
God, I am so lonely.
12 comments
You deserve help and forgiveness.
Bean, I think you’re at a new beginning. You deserve to be happy. Of course you do! You know you can’t please everyone. And I can only imagine the conflict with your family and culture. I encourage you to be you. You are deserving of love and happiness. I’m happy for you.
Wings, what make you think I am at new beginning? Thank you for say kind words. I really need help with stop self hating/improve my self-esteem.
It seems like you’re at a new place in your life. From what you wrote I assumed that you are coming to terms with your sexuality. You cut your hair. And I get the sense that you are starting to feel better about yourself. So Bean, I think all that is great.
I believe as a human being that we all have our inner morals about what’s right and whats wrong. Nobody likes pain and from what I can see in your post it seems like you don’t neither. You don’t like experiencing pain or seeing others in pain. As long as your purpose isn’t to hurt others then you shouldn’t stress so much about it. But most importantly you’re a human being with feelings and you have your own personality. It’s ok to feed your human side while you’re still existing as a human being. I won’t bring religion into this explanation for sensitivity reasons but even if you simply look at it from the perspective of good and evil & love and hate….Your motives were never to be evil or to hate and hopefully after some time your family can understand that. We live in this world right now so it’s ok to adjust your lifestyle to your preference. We all want to live this life comfortably so you keep doing you and don’t feel guilty about it.
I agree. I am struggle with that since I am “pleaser” personality. I care a lot for another and I do not like see pain in other. I easily forgot that hurting other is part of human.
Jean, sounds to me like others are hurting you more than you are hurting them.
Happiness shouldn’t be so hard.
I have not thought that way before. Seem I have not think of my happiness as much as I did with other’s. Thank you for point that out.
As humans, we are great (experts) at letting each other know how much we disappoint each other. We consistently expect more from others than we expect from ourselves. It should be very easy for you to be what I expect you to be, while I continue being my same old annoying self.
See how that works, and the utter insanity of it?
I believe a verse in somebody’s bible makes reference to “pointing out the speck in your eye while ignoring the boulder in my own.”
Families are. . . difficult. Ahem. Yeah. Often, there’s just no pleasing a family, especially when cultural traditions place a high value on conformity and tendencies to shun or isolate the violators can follow.
All you can do is all you can do. You can only be you. I had similar experiences, having lived my life to a regular chorus of “What’s WRONG with you?” and “Why are you so different?”
Lonewolf offers good advice. It’s not always your actions that ultimately matter, but your intention, however, again, imperfect humans that we are, we will usually always expect something more befitting the person we expect you to be.
Make your mistakes, learn from them and try to avoid them in the future. Some days you will, some days you wont, but keep in mind that if you are living your life with integrity and to the best of YOUR ability – not what others expect of you – noone can rightfully criticize you, even though they will try to beat you down.
I don’t know your situation, or culture, and I’ll only say one more thing – there are times when separating from family is necessary in order to survive.
“…. but keep in mind that if you are living your life with integrity and to the best of YOUR ability – not what others expect of you – noone can rightfully criticize you, even though they will try to beat you down.” Nod, thank you. I hope I can remember that because it is true.
I agree that separating from family is necessary. I am still live with my parents right now, so I hope that day will come.
Yes you deserve good
Thank you guys. I wish I read earlier, but that is fine. I need those comments. I didn’t expect that. Again, thank you.