Waa

howdy guys- seems appropriate in this context. um.. I think it’s human nature to talk about what one does, is interested in or preoccupied with, and in the case of socially taboo, illeagle, unpleasant and ideas contrary to indoctrination I guess dishonesty or silence and combinations of the two. I made some sodium cyanide last week and dissolved it in water, chased it with a glass of lemon juice and ended up throwing up a big mess of foam and having my throat burn for a few days after. it was pretty ‘swell. I live in a group house for drug addicts and pretty much think the concept of recovery and psychology is a whole lot of hot air and horse shit. all except for the first step-that’s true. I’ve been in and out of the psych ward my whole life, tried every form of drug perscribed by the dealers in white gowns and basketball jerseys alike- there’s something to shamanism but I think I’ve been horribly brainwashed and retarded by this culture to the point that it really doesnt matter what I ingest because it isn’t a perceptual issue- it’s entropy. I can’t really blame anyone for life sucking because people really do the best that they can do- all of them, and no one deliberately sets out to do what is bad or wrong by their own definition. happenstance is really to blame if you take away all the superstions. shit happens and it sucks. people are fucking boring, theyre predictable and faced, they say one thing, think another, feel another, and act in another way totally different like the telephone game- no one is consistant or honest.. no one is really responsable for anything they do if you consider how many brands of neurosis there are and how easily they fit the limited number of personality types there are. what some people do in excess theyre praised for, and when others do the same thing theyre sent to jail or the mental hospital. this country fuckin sucks, I feel completely screwed out of a practical education, I can’t get a job cooking french fries for minimum wage, I went to college, I got a diploma, I don’t know anything useful, I live the life of a common house pet and if you dropped me off in siberia with a lighter and a pocket knife.. I would probably be very cold and hungry, being immortal, death would be a lofty expectation. I was gunna join the army and an ak47 and blow my brains out and I went to the recruiters office (the recruiter was a decent fellow, he bought me a burrito and shit) they wont let me in the army cas I’m too skinny and I can’t pass the psych test, although I doubt that I’d be able to after slaughtering a bunch of forigners eating food full of petrochemicals and hanging around a bunch of radioactive bomb smog for a few years so what the fuck? you must be sane to carry a machine gun and administer genocide I guess. keep having these dissection dreams where im in knife fights with people or im poping zits on my face that are full of dead caterpillers, or my gums and teeth are falling out and im turning into a zombie..sometimes I dream im fucking this chick and her torso falls off and its just an ass with legs and i just keep going as if nothing unusual happened.. I think that makes me a masogynist pig I hope. I like dreams fairly well because they sortof level out the dull, mundane and zombie like experience of the beta state world: eat, go to meetings, sit in front of the seven eleven and watch cars go by, chainsmoke, take a shit, shower, walk around at 4am and make chipmunk noises at garage windows.. you know the usual. suicidal people are smart, you have one of the bullshit perceptual curtians drawn and are at least to the point where you are not proud of your slavery like 80% of the other automatons.. good job. that’s probly why there are so many suicidal people on here advising others not to kill themselves. I’m trying to get a grip on willpower.. i”m unsure as to weather or not I’m convinced of the existance of willpower at all but in any event, I think the thing to do is to get decapitated by a train wheel, but this requires willpower of a sort that I’m really not confident I have at the moment- my will is dogshit. it’d be nice to have that sortof willpower. I feel like sortof a paying hundreds of dollars for inneffective suicide paraphanillia over the past decade- trains are readily available and free and there’s no preperation needed, but whats the use in going to the traintracks and getting all anxious and taking my head off at the last minute cause its what the robot im stuck in is programmed to do. I was at a wake a few weeks ago- dude just up and died, it was a random freek accident, he was 28, in good health, had a job and a wife and a 9month old kid; he was just driving home and randomly went into cardiac failure. now his family’s miserable and kid’s going to grow up with a dead dad and theyre trying to figure out how to make ends meet in an eccomnomic depression. overpopulation is largely responsable for the ecconomic depression; there are way too many useless people who add nothing to the world tooling around leeching off of others or working multiple jobs for shit wages so they can go home and put food on the table for people who also hate their lives and would rather be dead (privately or outright). many of them (myself included) are painfully aware of the fact that they are responsable in part for making life suck. what if they legalized suicide? had clinics where you could go and get ******** shots and go out peacefully; I wonder how many people would go in and my guess is that it’d probly be a great many if they put enough money into propeganda for it. it’d be a great conspiracy to decrease the population. I’m embarrassed really talking about suicide because I truely believe I was conditioned this way deliberately as part of such a (maybe not so elaborate) project involving not limited to but including radio frequencies, food petrochemicals, designer drugs, chem trails, and subliminal media and institutionalization designed to condition people to A) kill themselves, B) throw rediculous ammounts of money at shrinks, meds, churches, blackmarket drugs and self help tapes ext. C) consume everything else they can looking for a fix to disenchantment D) become violent to intimidate the bougeoise into going along with all the rediculous security measures this country’s taking, their diminishing rights when it comes to police search, seisure and arrest and.. and there’s more benifits but just to name a few. waa. end rant. oh.. I have a story I wanted to share, it’s a true story: so this one time I was in the psych ward, and I’d been in for a few days and there was this asshole chuck norris lookin douchebag counselor who’d always patronize everybody, especially this one little old lady who’d been in there a month or so and just layed in bed all pilled out and told everyone to fuckoff and other than that was real quiet and kept to herself. so chuck norris was giving her shit about sleeping all day this one time and then he left her room and (she was right across the hall from me) I saw her get out of bed and walk out into the hallway in her gown into dudes office and bend over and lay a big steamy deuce on his floor in in front of the door; then creep back in her room all sneeky like. after thet they had everyone in the ward line up and inspected our hands for poo stains for some reason. anyway, it totally made my day.