what to do?

lately i’ve had trouble handling my emotions. i don’t know why.
my moods have been changing as fast as the snap of fingers, one minute i’m glad to be alive the next i want to end it all. my dad was the same way when we used to live with him. weeks of productive positive energy and then a month of not even getting out of bed. he has bipolar and my sister does too, so i’m suspecting i have it as well.

i was self harming daily for about three months until i became too lazy to even get out something sharp, and at least four times i was close to throwing myself off of a hospitals roof (visiting a family member.) i couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself. i still haven’t stopped. it doesn’t feel like this thought process is going to go away soon.

it feels like everyone hates me. i have an issue with getting obsessed with things and it makes me seem absolutely crazy. i think i’m losing friends. nothing feels real. i think something might make me snap and i’m going to kill myself soon. i do go to therapy but only once a week and lately all of my appointments have had to be cancelled because something got in the way. i don’t know what to do or how to get help because nobody will help me get to a doctor for antidepressants or something. i literally can’t go alone, i don’t have a car. every time i bring antidepressants up with my mom she gets annoyed or upset. i don’t think i’ll be able to make her understand i’m on the verge of suicide and really need help.

i just don’t know what to do.