In some ways, I feel ashamed to be admitting this to a bunch of strangers on a website , and to be unable to ever admit this to those who are actually in my life . I just feel so exhausted, so sick of living this life . My life just feels like a total lie… I’m living to pursue some sort of feeling of fulfillment or happiness. However , the more time passes, the more hopeless and pointless this all feels to me . I am really reaching the end of my rope here. The thing that I hate the most is I can most certainly acknowledge that I have a lot to live for… I have a great brother and sister who I love dearly. My fiancee, who really does mean the world to me . Last , but not least, my mother… the only parent I’ve ever really had in my life . I feel such guilt knowing I feel this way when I think of my mother… she is terminally ill, and barely clinging to life… stricken with a muscular disease with no cure . How can I let the weight of my problems crush me so thoroughly when those problems are meaningless compared to her strife ? I feel such unbearable guilt for feeling this way. Lately, I just feel as though I want to find a way to never feel anything again… and I think we all know how to achieve just that . Living this way, feeling like a complete burden to everyone I know… I just don’t know how much longer I can stand this . If i try to reach out to someone, I just feel like a fool , and like even more of a burden to all of those around me . I feel like a disposable being, someone with absolutely nothing good to offer to anyone . I try to be the best person that I can be for all of those I love, and I leave those loved ones with nothing but resentment and disappointment in me . I’ve obsessed over dying for as long as I can remember… always having morbid visions of my body mangled and lifeless. Is this my destiny ? To die by my own hand like I’ve always imagined I would ? Is this all that is left for me ? Nothing but an evergrowing void , and feelings of absolute despair ? Is leading myself to failure all I can do at this point ? Only time can tell I guess .
Thanks to anyone who bothers to read this .
3 comments
I can understand exactly how you feel. I have a wonderful husband and wonderful son but I just feel that I have nothing to offer them but saddness. It is not cruel I think to want to be dead. It almost takes a great deal of difficulty into talking yourself into living. That everyone’s suffering is meaningful and you should press to go on if not for your own happiness then for others. But what happens when you feel empty. What happens when you see and feel the emptiness and pointlessness of it all. That no one could truely be happy here even if they had everything. I don’t think its so bad if you want to die. I think when you finally give up and become not afraid of hurting yourself or other you can feel freedom because it really doesn’t matter in the larger scheme of things. True happiness in my opinion is true freedom. When dieing is no longer a fear you feel less traped. It’s okay to wake up and realize no matter what you cannot be happy here because there will always be something haunting you somewhere. It is okay to give up. You are not a bad person for giving up. You do not need to feel like a burden or a dissapointment. You are you unreplaceable, a person who’s feelings matter. You are you no matter where you go and you do not need to die to escape. You can take back your power and realize that the badness is one side of the coin and there is always another side and that it is okay.
I hear you. You are not alone. Anyone who hasn’t felt what you feel, cannot possibly understand, but I do. I wish I had an answer, both for you and for me. I have good days and bad days. I wish you more good ones.
PS. I wrote the poem posted earlier today entitled “I’m tired…” So I do understand.