Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would be writing here about my depression. I honestly never knew the impact of depression before I had it.
It all started when I joined college. During my school days, I was one of the most popular students and held various leadership titles. But now when I look at myself in the mirror, all I can do is regret about myself. I’ve joined college in a foreign country miles away from my family and friends. Plus this is also where my brother studied. I was really excited about everything and did pretty well for a month. But I slowly realised that this place wasn’t meant for me as time passed. This feeling attributes to various shitty incidents which took place during my stay here.
I stay in a hostel here and the people here are such Assholes who constantly annoy me. And various shit incidents have taken place which made me feel to end my life. I talked to my parents about this and told them that I want to come home and join college in my country. But tbh we are in a tight financial situation right now and they can’t afford me to bring me back. Ofcourse as evry1 says I’ve tried to survive and I’ve managed for about 6 months over here. The people here make me feel that I’m worthless and useless. I’ve become depressed since October and had suicidal thoughts since December.
And I’m studying Engineering which is basically a pretty tough course which makes the situation worse. I have literally ZERO energy to go after things like I’ve used to before. I feel like I’m a pathetic looser. I feel defeated, outnumbered basically fucked up. Everyday I’m googling ways to fkin kill myself. And I’ve decided to do it. My big brother’s doin well(which I’m proud of) and is helping out my family in so many ways. But here I am fucking up the piece of mind of my family. They are all supportive and stuff,but living as a disappointment to them hurts me alot. People always say that I’m a gift to my parents. But ever since joining college, I’ve lost direction lost track of my goals and lost pretty much evrything.
Every night when I go to bed,I pray that I don’t wake up the next day. My story is like the guy who went from “Hero to Zero”
I can’t bear with this pain any longer and I’m planning to take my life real soon. Thank you so much for reading this far. Feels pretty good to have vented out my feelings in a non-judgemental platform….
8 comments
Other people should not be responsible for your happiness, you should be.
How you feel is how you become. So stop feeling bad about yourself because of others.
How many people have got a chance to purse education in a foreign land. You are capable that’s why you are here. If you want to feel you are shit because others think so then who do you think can help you. I am not being rude, just a bit blunt.
It’s ok to feel down but to feel bad about yourself when you are actually good is not ok.
And if you still can’t manage, consider this…
– you commit suicide
– you move back to your native place
What would make your family more sad? What would be easier for them?
I hope you find peace!
Hey there I’m really sorry for the late reply ! But I have to say your words really has meant a alot for me.And I’m alive and well. I’m just dreaming of a better day to come and thinking about that day has given me some hope to live.How I wish there were more Good people like you in this world !
God Bless You !
I empathize with you on the hero to zero I used to feel like a million bucks now I feel like maybe a buck, a buck fifty on a better day.
That’s pretty much exactly what I depress and write of about all the time. I used to feel like a big shot, a hero, I used to be everyone I ever hoped I would become then I became this person I never wanted to be
@cause-of-death-suicide Hey, good to see you. I was too down to talk to anyone.
And when you vanished I was wondering if you had gone ahead with charcoal.
Anyway, if you want to have a chat, let me know.
Have a good day.
Yeah I’ve been trying to go through with that for about 8 months but like I say on other posts I have DUI and can’t drive. I couldn’t do charcoal in my front yard. I’m trying to not let it come to suicide. I have this wish that when I pay off my debt I can finally get out of this town so I don’t have to OD and/or charcoal or whatever else. I used to think leaving would solve my problems.. But I’m thinking the nasty will follow me wherever I go so… now it is hooked on to me and even leaving won’t get rid of it. I think it has to do with the town I live…
I want to overdose but as I’ve been saying on other posts , I have a small paying job now which I did not have 2 months – 4 years ago (that long unemployed) and if I could just get my license back (2400$) /pay off car (4500$) /buy my own car (5000$) then I could finally leave.. WHICH I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE DONE 5 YEARS AGO but then I was laid off and couldn’t be reemployed.. I think I was not employed due to employer’s prejudice. If you saw the type people they employ in this town you would understand!! Then people started following me, then the police started following me, then I overdosed once but failed.
But yeah, I am extremely tempted to overdose because I do not see a way I can ever pay off that and leave this town that makes me want to die every second for the last 11 years!!!
I’m not just like a little girl crying either, I just need to leave or I will.. have to lay down my life.
Hey there brother! Shit happens and life unexpectedly turns around :(…But guess I have to go through all this bullshit…I’m feeling a little better than when I wrote this rant few weeks ago.I’m also feeling less suicidal lately. There’s a thing I do,whenever I feel suicidal or go thru some negative shit,I jus keep telling myself this “positivity positivity”.I know it sounds really stupid but hey,if it keeps you going then why not try it?
I hope you’re doing alright.
God Bless you brohh
U deserve alot in life :))
@cause-of-death-suicide
“You are trying not to let it come to suicide.”
That’s good! I use to write this a lot. It goes like this, ” If you see a tomorrow where you can be happy, live and work for that tomorrow, no matter how far it is. Bring it closer.”
Keep trying, which you already are, and you will soon get over the debts and all.
You know, I have tried so many things to earn money in the past 8 years, to establish a running income business, even tried working a job. Nothing went right. I am still struggling. But I don’t care now. I lost my reason to be something. I can be whatever I want, it just needs work and patience, I have both, just don’t have the need for it now. You just keep going, believe in yourself, you have come this far. Exit is always an option if that tomorrow faded away, but not otherwise.
I don’t have much to say but I just felt bad that you asked to have a chat and I didn’t.
Sorry if you felt bad.