My soul is tired. Ive done so well and made so much progress only to be let down by those who helped me and those I trust most. Im not putting too much faith in those people. I traveled across the continent to do another round of treatment that helped me take back by life and become entirely independant in less than 6 months.
I had never been happier and more fullfilled. Now the depression is coming back so i quit my job, spent everything i had to come back, and even after arranging another treatment, here i am, and where are they? Ignoring me. I did this because i know what i need, and i know that i can keep it together. Or at least i would be able to keep it together if everything were to happen as it should.
But here i am, almost time to leave the country and nothing to show for it. Im afraid. Afraid i wont be able to maintain this. Afraid of it overtaking me again and me saying fuck it. Afraid of letting down my girlfriend who i love more than anything and hope to make my wife someday. Afraid of letting my natural self destructive instincts take me over again. And afraid that this time i wont be one of the lucky ones who lives to fight another day.
Im fucking afraid, and hurt, and saddened, and let down, and dont know what to do when my only safe place and last resort no longer seems to care about me, despite the situation being literal life and death. I dont want to hurt anyone, least of all my mother or the love of my life. And i wont of my own volition, but i remember how easy it is to lose myself, to lose my conviction. It wasnt long ago i came face to face with my own mortality, when i was at my worst. I remember those feelings well, and that familiar darkness is starting to creep up on me again.
In short, im afraid. Not of who i am now, but what i have been, and what i could easily be again. *sighs*
2 comments
Are you being denied a medication?
In a sense