Empty

We’re two broken people now. You’re not_here with me, and I’m not there for you. It’s my fault, but life goes on. We were good in the beginning because you weren’t broken. But I was, and a lot of shit went down before you came to the same dark place.  
Broken people should never try to be together. They’ll have intentions of fixing each other. They’ll both expect to be better with each other, but when that stops being enough it’s just a constant comparison between them. Each has separate fears and needs, and when you add in depression and being broken, it turns into a hypocritical blame-fest. They’ll both end up telling the other to get help because they’re past the point of normal sad, and they’ll both say that they don’t want help because it makes them uncomfortable and it won’t work anyways. It will be frustrating for all. 
You know this. Two broken people together either ends with broken hearts, or creates a broken family. Nobody deserves that. The only way to get past something like this is to see a better side of life, and when you can’t do that naturally, you have to change something. A lot of people are afraid of change, but you need to embrace it because that’s the only thing that will make this better. If one change doesn’t work, keep changing it up until something makes sense. Keep your routine fresh. 
When somebody commits suicide, it’s nobody’s fault. I know it because I’ve almost gotten there a few times. Nothing anybody said or did in the days leading up to it would’ve changed anything. It was me who had to change and just take a moment to chill out and rationalize. There’s nothing you could’ve done differently. If you called him and asked to hang out, he would’ve said he was busy. His mind was made up, you know that as well as I do. He had his plan. Last words aren’t important. The things you do remember are the only important things. The happy times and the precious moments, happy or sad, are the only way to measure your relationship with him. 
It’s not just ugly girls that have depth (I’m feeling like I have to choose between ugly or shallow here). Hot girls can have depth too. Most people hide some of what they are. If you take the time to uncover that special part, it’s always worth it. Just because they don’t have deep conversations with you off-hand, it doesn’t mean they’re not capable of it. And you don’t need to be intelligent to have a certain view of the world. Everyone has seen darkness before. Although I get where you’re coming from (and I know it’s frustrating). It’s hard for me to relate to people who can’t possibly grasp what I’ve been through. But maybe that’s a good thing. If they don’t understand that, then they’re more of a person than I am. Maybe they’re more likely to be good for me. 
I am so sorry for dragging you down with me. You weren’t this way before we were together, and I was. Now you’re this way and it’s probably partially my fault. Actually, I’ll go ahead and take full responsibility for this. I showed you my kind of thinking, and then you lost a friend and went away to a uni where you were alone most of the time. And then things got rough for us because we were both only half-people. We thought we completed each other because it was the only way life was worth living/made sense. I am so sorry that I left you in the worst time. But it wasn’t going to get any better. We were going downhill and it wasn’t going to stop. It was selfish of me to show you ways of making everything negative, and then leave you in the time that you absolutely needed someone who understood what was going on. But that says nothing of you getting better. On the depressed side of things, my feelings are no more valid than yours, and you’re going to ignore me when I say this, but please try to fix things. Try different ways of approaching life and you’ll see it gets better.