I am failing college because I am pathetic. Had to do a machining class and get some training from the head of the shop. I went at the later portion of the week to the machine shop to start on my parts but he said we dont have enough people to help. You need some friends because nobody can work alone and you are supposed to be here in a group, you got bad work attitude yada yada yada. He was right so I just went home. Haven’t gone to that class since. I wanted to cut myself after that but like a little ***** I pussied out. I got hammer and broke open some shaving razors but cut my thumb in the process like a fuck up. I banged my arm real hard on the sink till it bruised instead so it wouldn’t be a complete loss.
I have been going to my other classes at least sometimes but I didn’t do well on the midterms and most likely won’t be able to do well enough in the classes to keep financial aid. I have stopped eating and have dropped 40 pounds in like 4 weeks. Well not completely stopped eating, I made my mom a nice breakfast and dinner on mother’s day and ate with her. I eat just enough to so my mom and aunt won’t notice anything too crazy. I lie that I ate lunch so it doesn’t seem odd that I dont each much or any dinner. None of my pants fit anymore they are too big and I have been trying to find some old high school pants that I can fit in but my rooms so messy I just gave up. I was worried they might fall down but I just wore them and it isn’t like people give a shit or look anyways. I have stopped playing video games, piano or anything interesting.
All my problems are my fault like no friends, failing school, not eating, hitting myself, etc because I am so pathetic. At least I dont do drugs or alcohol. I know that if I start any of that stuff I won’t make it out. I am not strong physically or mentally. My mom had a harder life and she is always saying about keeping a good mentality like that Joel olsteen or oprah shit. She is strong I got too much of my dad in me. She even says that sometimes. My dad was an alcoholic and I dont know if he hit my mom or just was trashing up the place but we left him when I was in 3rd grade. I know I loved him and missed him when I was younger and did a lot of messed up shit during that period. I dont remember the last time I saw but it was when I was in high school. Last I heard he suffered a heart attack and went into a coma. He’s either still dying or dead by now but I dont feel anything.
I am a fucking poser and a liar to people around me. I dont talk to them and they dont talk to me unless they have to. I just want a horrible death and I’ve been trying to work up to one because I dont have the balls to do it now. I have been thinking about buying a gun but I am too young to get a handgun. I dont know where to buy one and it would be difficult buying a shotgun or rifle and keeping it hidden until the right time. I dont want to back out during a suicide because my life is only going to get harder from there on. I dont have a hard life now and it can only get worse from there if a survive an attempt. I got no right to be thinking this when so many people have harder lives or have had harder lives like my mom and still pulled through. I am supposed to be in class right now but every time I go I just leave mid class to come back home and wallow. So pathetic. I just know I won’t live past 30, known it my entire life.
I’m not an idiot. I know dying won’t do shit, everyone and everything will go on as it had without me. Only thing I am worried about is my little cousin who lives with us, he showed a drawing he did in class of his family with me my aunt, my uncle, and my mom. My brother got a kid coming soon too and I think he wants to name me the godfather but I could just be guessing. Thinking about this makes me feel a hundred times worse when I want to die.
I dont want to see no therapist or a doctor. I also do not want to tell my family about it and I got no friends to talk to.
2 comments
I feel alot of what you are feeling too. Why’d you stop eating? I don’t eat as much anymore because I just feel sick like I’m about to throw up like 24/7. Is it the same for you?
I dont feel like I want to throw up I just dont feel like eating.