fuck my mother

I got into a fight a while back with my mother, and I told her I hope she finds my body. After, I had to pretend I was just upset and didn’t mean it. But I do. I know it’s horrible. I know my mother is someone I should love. I’ve been in hospital beds because of attempted suicide, and she’ll be there just writing and responding to emails and even making and taking calls. I am nothing to her. She loves talking about how fucked up I am to get attention. I’ve attempted way too many times to count. I’m done attempting, it’s time for the real deal. I dream about her finding me dead, my final fuck you. I can’t get across how horrible of a person she is, but let me give you an example. My high school graduation. She didn’t go, because of a business trip. She could have easily changed her flight or something, she had enough time. She got home hours after the graduation. Hours. She also banned my father from coming. She’s just on a list of many reasons as to why I’m ending my life, but I wish I could see the look on her face when she finds me. I’ve been pushing everyone away, so my death won’t hurt as much. My mother is too caught up in herself to even see the textbook signs. I’ve accepted I will never get the mother I want, but I can’t figure out why I got stuck with her. I just want my mother to hold me and tell me it will all be okay, but she won’t. She never will. Maybe my death can be awake up call. Maybe she can become a better mother for my sister. I guess I’ll never know.