I wonder

I wonder if anyone who also writes here knows me in real life. Often I hear of people recognizing each other on this platform, or meeting in real life and figuring it out. I doubt anyone knows me though: no common circles; really, a sure chance I am alone on here just like I am in real life. yesterday I was frank with my counselor- sometimes I lie without meaning to; I kinda just forget what I feel, or I cannot seem to speak what is in my mind. I told her that I was more alone than I have been in a while; or, essentially, I feel more detached from the few I know at this time than I’ve felt before.

I know that nobody is perfect, and that there isn’t some mysterious wonder woman out there for me, but a little love would be nice; just even a slim gesture of a companion or a good friend would be very appreciated. I have a couple friends, but I can only call them that in then sense that I help them more than they help me. Mostly, I know people who need emotional help or mental aid, and I am there for them, but they either can’t or aren’t there for me. I am so damn tired of it. It’s not that I don’t like helping them, quite the opposite; or even that they themselves wear me out: what exhausts me is that I wait and I wait, more or less patiently, but never find anyone that is at my level, can take who I am and accept and love it, and also be either physically or emotionally there for me. I just haven’t.

Sometimes I give up, doubt God, and throw away my hopes for a companion; other times, I find strange feelings of hope and throw myself back into God’s arms, dearly dreaming of she who might be.

Sorry for the long post. If anyone wants to comment, I’d appreciate it, but I doubt many or any at all will.

Yakisoba F