Obviously haven’t killed myself yet if I ever do that I still wish I was allowed to kill myself just so I don’t have to suffer from being human or alive anymore sure my life is great and all and I know there are people in worse situations still want to die at times loneliness doesn’t really bother me emptiness does and being around those who make me feel suicidal.
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I know those feelings all to well. My life got a lot better these last years but I ve been feeling worse and although I have the best friends you could possibly wish for I feel lonely as fuck (wouldn’t be posting on SP otherwise) and more than that misunderstood and judged like it can’t be possible to suffer so much on a daily basis so if I look too sad or too tired or too in pain I’m surely nothing but a whiner faking it in order to get attention. So all I have from people that don’t really know me is pity or disapproval. And I want to scream “guys you wouldn’t even survive a day in my shoes”. A day where my illness tells me hundreds of times how much I suck, I’m worthless, evil and hopeless and that I should kill myself for all of those reasons. But I don’t scream, I don’t say anything. I don’t kill myself because I still have a tiny glimpse of hope and I go on with my daily hell silently so I don’t embarrass all those good thinking people.
I know those feelings all to well. My life got a lot better these last years but I ve been feeling worse and although I have the best friends you could possibly wish for I feel lonely as fuck (wouldn’t be posting on SP otherwise) and more than that misunderstood and judged like it can’t be possible to suffer so much on a daily basis so if I look too sad or too tired or too in pain I’m surely nothing but a whiner faking it in order to get attention. So all I have from people that don’t really know me is pity or disapproval. And I want to scream “guys you wouldn’t even survive a day in my shoes”. A day where my illness tells me hundreds of times how much I suck, I’m worthless, evil and hopeless and that I should kill myself for all of those reasons. But I don’t scream, I don’t say anything. I don’t kill myself because I still have a tiny glimpse of hope and I go on with my daily hell silently so I don’t embarrass all those good thinking people.
I draw attention to myself I don’t want to draw attention when people say, “what are you not getting enough attention” as some bullshit like that sure attention is great but I don’t want that attention I just want to deal with something greater in my life but honestly I know I won’t kill myself my mind and body don’t cooperate when I put the knife to my wrist and throat cowardice, fear, pain, and survival instincts kick in not all at once not in that order whatever disarray sure I always rebound all on my own because that is just what happens I think it is dumb that people like me have to continue to live at times with whatever bullshit happens in life the good news is that I rebound on my own the bad news is suicidal thoughts always come back, always. Professional help fuck off that type of bullshit that is why I come here.