A common slant on this forum seems we’re all so, so tired…!!!
Tired of struggle from one miserable day to the next
Tired of having no joy anywhere in our lives
Tired of wanting to die but not quite having completely given up.hope or not having the guts ,the means or the opportunity to end it.
Tired ,tired ,tired..
People who don’t know any better think suicide is a “cowards way out” , an easy way out, selfish..
But actually taking your own life, takes a LOT of guts, a lot of bravery.
Coz it’s so final .
I’m talking sure fire ways of dying, jumping, shooting yourself through the head, no taking handfuls of this and that and hope it works, coz 9 times out of 10 it won’t, and you’ll come to after 20 odd hours being violently ill.
Yes it’s selfish, coz of the hurt we cause by loved ones left behind, but isn’t it just as selfish of them, to expect us to keep on suffering just to be around for them.
They don’t realise how much effort it takes to kid on every day ,hour after hour, that everything’s fine,
You talk, you laugh, you look “fine” .
But underneath it all you’re exhausted from keeping up the pretences, from acting all day long.
I , for one, am beyond tired, and the balance of “staying around for loved ones’ sake” and “being selfish” and setting myself free is tipping, and tipping fast..
I can only hope they’ll eventually understand, and feel some kind of peace that I am at peace, and free at last from the daily misery that is my life.
I’ll still be around, just not in a physical form, or maybe I won’t be at all, but I believe I will be.
And I hope and pray with all of my tired aching body and soul, that they will feel me, “know” ,I am safe , free and free of darkness and despair at last.
I can only hope..
Coz lord I am tired .. I’m surprised my heart still has the energy to beat.
Wish to fuck it didn’t.
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I can’t believe anyone would expect you to live for them, that is just a loony tune. Never worry about being selfish, because your biggest and only priority is you. I guess that sounds selfish, but does selfishness always need to have negative connotations?
No they don’t expect me to live for them, it’s me that doesn’t want to cause them the hurt of taking my own life.
Especially my mother, who gave me life.
Who doesn’t understand how it feels to want to die because she doesn’t suffer from depression (or addiction, which is a major cause of my daily misery).
Who would blame herself and wonder what she’s done wrong (nothing, but it’s human nature to feel guilt if a loved one takes their life, to wonder if there’s something they could’ve done, something they shouldn’t have done etc)
I don’t want to be the cause of my mother living her last years with pain that I would be the cause of.
She’s pretty much the reason why I keep going, when I was younger I didn’t care so much about loved ones I’d leave behind and attempted suicide several times ..
So yeah I’m pretty much staying alive for someone else, but not coz THEY expect me to, I’m expecting it from myself .
When she goes, there’s a good chance I’ll go too, and I would do it in a final, definate way, if I have the guts .
Looking forward to it ,today anyway ..
Well you don’t get to choose which womb you are born from. That’s all we really get in this life. The cradle and the grave. Once you leave the womb, it’s a social construct that your parents play roles, but you’re basically on your own…. the womb was great for 9 months but your free, baby, you can live if you want to.
It’s tired of being sick for me, tired of depression and the chore it makes out of ordinary tasks.
Dying from depression is unlike any other illness that might overtake someone. It’s the only one that people question our willpower, without realizing the immense willpower (and yes, courage) it takes to die. The pain has to be so awful that it makes it worth hurting others…. For a long time I thought of it as just waiting for the pain to get that bad, which didn’t happen.
So now I’m here for the duration, probably going to stick around for 3-5 more decades, long enough to get some stuff done, and for some of the people I might have hurt to die first. The funny thing about finding the energy is that it doesn’t need to be good energy. Sometimes I get up and go to work out of sheer anger and despair. I’d feel worse in my bed, so I go do my work and take out my hate by getting the dang work done. That’ll show em’ (not really)
A past girlfriend of mine had mentioned the courage it takes for one to go in such a final way. And at the time, I recall being compassionate and supportive of her, but inwardly disagreeing. But that was at the time of still working through my own father’s suicide. I mean, I’m still working through it, but I understand better now how she felt, what she meant by that. The courage it actually takes to do it, and like you say, by some final means. I feel now what she said was insightful, and brave. Cause I think a lot of people don’t want to equate it with courage, don’t want to hear that.
Hear hear.. I’m sorry to hear about your dad, that must’ve been hard.. And still must be..
But you’re right to say people don’t want to, or can’t see that doing the actual deed is a scary, brave and courageous thing to do.
Not easy.
Not cowardly.
Not an easy way out.
When the pain gets that bad the only way to stop it is to kill yourself, it still doesn’t make it any easier to actually do it.
So your dad was a brave man,and I hope he’s free from his demons ,pain and suffering now, and looking down on you with relief that you seem to be having a lot more understanding about the choice he made, and I bet he felt guilt, and hopes you can forgive him.
And I hope you can too, and be at peace with it.