it’s been a bumpy ride

it sure has been a minute since i’ve been on this site, haha. i don’t think i’ll even know anyone anymore, but i’ve sort of made an agreement with myself not to look. hey to anyone still around.

but uh. anyways.
this is just…. for anyone who might happen to read this.
i was pretty young when i first came on here— i think i was like, 13 or 14, something like that. things were not good. things had never really been good. literally nothing in the world sounded better to me than nothing, forever; just curtains was as much as i could let myself hope for.
and, y’know. things are still not good…. but they’re okay. i’m 21 now, three years past the oldest i ever thought i’d be. i’m still struggling along, because i figure, hey— i’ve got the rest of eternity to not be around, right? i don’t wanna miss something good, anything good; i don’t wanna live a life so short and full of suffering and have that be all. even if what comes is bad, it at least won’t be nothing. even if it is, at least i will have tried. at least i won’t have let that suffering define my time here. at least i won’t be nothing.
the worst parts of my life have been nothing. just days. just months. times where i couldn’t and didn’t want to feel, to think, to do anything, where nothing really happened.

nothing is really happening now, but it’s okay. life is okay and i have gotten better.

i used to hate things like this. things where people were all, “hey kid it gets better just look at me!!’
i was like, hey. hey, adult. you don’t know what’s happening in my life. you can’t promise me that. you don’t get to look down from the top and say anyone can get there. how dare you try to get me to hope.

but, y’know. i get it now.

i was so young. 14 is….. i wish i could go back and give my younger self anything that i have now. if i could make it easier for the person that i was, for that kid with so little, i would happily put myself back however much that kindness would cost me. if it took me the rest of my life to be okay again just to create a time where that kid had to suffer just a little less, i would regret nothing.

but i can’t do that. so.

don’t get me wrong. i have bad days. bad weeks. there are plenty of moments where i’m driving down the highway, and i think of how easy it would be to just not make it home. how much simpler. wouldn’t the world be better off?

but those times pass, and they come less and less often.

i’ve gotten better. life has gotten better.

i’ve had to do…. a lot. a lot of stuff that was hard, or seemed impossible, or made me uncomfortable. i’ve spent weeks unmoving, i’ve spent years trying to cobble together enough determination to just make it one more day. i’ve cut and i’ve done drugs and drank and all that, i’ve done…. most things, just to make tomorrow seem possible.

and i don’t have to now.

wanting to die can make things easier, in some ways. it’s like…. well, what do i have to lose, really? what’s the worst that can happen? what damage can really stick when i can hit the kill switch whenever i want? i’ve been hurt. i’ve been alone. i’ve been dealing with problems bigger than me since i could think coherently. what could the universe possibly hit me with that i couldn’t either deal with or run away from?

and so far, the answer is none. you learn how to roll with punches after they just don’t stop coming. you look at enough catastrophes and shrug and they start to not seem so bad. you roll up your sleeves and you keep going. you deal.

i dunno. i just hope….. i still do want to die sometimes. sometimes often. sometimes i go off and don’t plan to come back. but i always do. and i never regret it. i just hope there are people out there who might see this and know that it’s possible.

i’m not trying to say, “it gets better.” i don’t know if that’s true. but it gets easier. and you can get better. and things can turn out alright, if you just stick it out.

i first tried to kill myself when i was ten and it only went downhill from there, so i’m not trying to bullshit here. i just really, really hope no kids as young as i was are still kicking around here thinking they’re at the end.

the end will come to you eventually. it’s inevitable. and when it comes calling, what you’ve left behind you might not have been worth living through.

i can’t say my time here has been well spent. i can’t say every hurt i’ve suffered has been worth it. i can’t say that when i die i will be better off for having lived past 10, or 14, or any year since.

but i’ve never regretted any decision i’ve made to stay. that’s not nothing. that’s reason enough to keep trying.

i hope that i will keep trying. i hope that i can. and i hope that some of you out here will do the same.

however hard it gets, i hope i will never regret it.