New survivor

I stumbled accross this site by accident while researching something totally unrelated and when I saw the first post the hair stood up on the back of my neck. I am an attempted suicide survivor. I was a baby, 16- and thought I knew so much about life. I grew up in the most horrifically abusive home possible, was an addict by 13, etc. The problem with youth is that despite what you think: you know NOTHING about life yet. The increadible sorrow and lonliness you feel now  will be a distant memory when you feel the increadible joy of seeing your children being born, or watching the sun rise over the ocean with a lover. It is the small stuff that matters. You have to make a choice to push through. It is such a selfish and cowardly way out to kill yourself. Giving up is forever. You can try and fail at life but you get a second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. chance. If you check-out early you will never know about all of the beauty in living.

I am still and probably always will be depressed, but the world is so vast and I am so tiny. My suffering sucks today but there are people who’s lives I can make better tomorrow. I still don’t know about all of the wonderful things I will do and experiance. Break out of that tunnel-vision. Do whatever you have to because it IS worth it and it DOES get better. Everyday you take another breath you are stronger and you can do more than the day before. After I returned to HS from the hospital one friend said to me “you just have to get through today, that’s it” Meaning you dont have to commit yourself to endless misery, but that there is nothing so bad that you can’t just sleep on it. Then do the same thing tomorrow and the day after that. Maybe just this next hour, or the next five minutes. There is this increadible thing that happens after you survive and as you grow older; you realize how little you are and how many shades of grey the world has to offer. You dont have to see everything as black and white, live or die. You could be somebody’s saviour, somebody’s soul mate. If you dont even try how could you possibly know.

Just take that next breath, put one foot in front of the other and just make it through today. Know that there are so many of us out here feeling the same thing, and that it DOES get better. There is so much to live for, and so little to die for. Just get through today.