Nothing

I’ve been waiting, ready, planning to kill myself every day of the last 15 years. I think sometimes, to leave ‘home’ I’ve never really had a home so it wouldn’t be hard to leave.. I was thinking walk away to live in an empty desert so at least I don’t freeze in the winter. I walk 1000 miles in 2017 until I was raped and then I stopped being able to walk… I haven’t walked one mile since the end of 2017. But I’ve stopped making any plans or taking any actions now though. Now my thought process is why even try to escape a terrible life and home. Why not just die? I never wanted any of this horrible life anyway. The one and only next action I will take is to commit. The rest of the time I will be simply wasting it.