Am I the only one?

first of, i am new here.

I have been thinking about suicide for quite a while now. Reading on this forum does help me a little bit, but every time I read motivating posts about not killing yourself, I get more depressed since my problems are not things like “no one likes/cares for me”.

I am struggling with myself as a person in the last few months. i’ve been doing many things that i’m not proud of, additionaly i ended up in a situatuon where i am alone with myself. No one, even if they wanted to can help me now. feeling like im locked inside a room with the person that I hate the most, I decided that i cannot take myself anymore.

My past is coming to get me everyday. Its getting closer because I was making stupid desicions, now I can not reverse and have to get help from others(at least my mom). But being thrown in this situation is nons fault but mine, which explains why I can not handle myself anymore. Everyone is leaving and I can understand them. I am acting like a dick, as a person I would call me annoying, dumb or just unneeded. The only thing keeping me alive is my mother, I do love her a lot. All i manage to do is not telling her anything and ending up hurting her or being mean to her.

So, the reason for me writing this is, is there anyone feeling the same? not struggeling with your social situation but with yourself? I am tired of not being able to talk to anyone about it since I start to shut in towards my friends which leads them to not talk to me. To be fair, I think that i could not talk about the things bothering me with good friends, I assume that they would wether not take it serious or turn away from me.

Am I the only one feeling this way? Help.