At the moment of catastrophe, at the threshold of certain death, this is when we confess our sins.
I called the BS National Suicide Prevention hotline. What a joke and then some. A waste of breath and time and hope. I’m glad in a way that this forum exists so those of us who are not kidding around with how serious life and death are can speak our minds and leave a little piece of ourselves behind without judgement.
I have been planning my suicide for 9 months. Well, my entire sentient conscientious life anyway. But now it comes to it and I’m terrified. There I said it. I’m so scared of the nothing that awaits me.
But I’m more terrified of all the things I’ll do if I remain alive. Hurting my family. Hurting my friend. Yes…I only have one true friend and she doesn’t have a clue what I’m about to do. My family — both my parents and my one sister — have no idea. Because for NINE WHOLE MONTHS I’ve been bald faced lying to them. That I had a good job and everything was fine.
At 48 years of age, I’ve been fired from every single job I had since 2010. I’m mental. But I also know everyone is mental…how else can one survive?
In less than 48 hours I will cease to exist. And it is here at the end that finally there will be no more lies. No more denial. No more depravity. I will only have the ugly truth of my wasteful existence to tell through my death. Without hope. Without witness. Without reward.
4 comments
Im 44 and a complete social outcast. I can barely keep a job, I need to eat SNRI’s just to be able to be around others, I have severe personality disorders, I have no friends, I have no life. I continuously hurt my family with my absence from their lives, and when they do have the misfortune of seeing me, I usually just bring everybody down and get everybody upset. Myself most of all. It’s insane and I cannot seem to be anything other than this way. It’s deep inside, deeper than thoughts and concepts, I just feel awful and upset all the time and can’t help but be that.
Im mental for sure, and Im pretty sure I know how I am going to exit this life unless something unexpected happens first. People like me won’t have loved ones to care for them as they gracefully grow old and die peacefully or whatever it is.
I guess I just wanted to tell you to hang on if you can. That’s it. Maybe you are way past that point, I don’t know. Ive got my points where I’m gonna call it too.
In my case, providence has opened up a very little window where I can exist despite my being completely fucked up. I don’t know how long it will last but it seems sound for the medium term at least.
I hate myself very much, and my life is very painful and oh so exquisitely sad, whoa boy! However, I choose to live it out if I can. Because this is a journey. This is the evolution of consciousness we are experiencing here, and there is no escaping it. This pain has significance. In time, this horrid pain of our suicidal lives will be seen as something analogous to teething pain of a baby.
So, you see ,there is an enormous difference between yours and my spiritual beliefs.
You say you truly believe death means annihilation of the self. If that’s true, then there is nothing to fear. You will not exist to hate the nothingness you are afraid of now.
Due to my religious upbringing, mystical experiences, and massive psychedelic drug usage, Im convinced that something more like Buddhism is what we are dealing with here.
With all that out of the way…
Do you think you could possibly try coming clean with these people you are lying to before you off yourself? I mean, just to see if nature will let you exist despite being all fucked up? Just to let them in on the truth, because you love them? You can always still kill yourself after if you want, and these people in your life might even deal with it better because they will have some understanding.
Lying for nine months then offing yourself, just…seems like a waste. At least live a day of not hiding anything from anybody first. Seems a little more courageous and a better note to leave on, doesn’t it?
What is it that you can’t live anymore? Are you facing homelessness? How do you hurt your friend by being seemingly unemployable?
@mountaingoat: Thank you for your thoughtful comment. But I’ve had over 4 decades to ponder existence and my decision does not come lightly nor does it come without having considered options…what some might even call Hope.
Suffice it to say that every living self-aware creature is afraid of dying. It’s hard wired into us for a simple reason: Survival. And to quote Adama from Battlestar Galactica: “It is not enough to simply survive. One must be worthy of surviving.”
I don’t condone suicide for everyone. Suicide is a very personal choice and no one can ever truly know or understand how another’s pain of existence can became so unbearable as to override the instinct to survive.
You sound like one of the good ones. At least you’re willing to soldier on despite your circumstances. I am a coward. If there is a hell I will surely be sent straight to it. If there is reincarnation I will be reborn into a dung beetle and condemned to roll my ball of shit up and down a hill for eternity.
One more thing: I am going to come clean to my loved ones…in my suicide note. Everyone wants, needs and deserves closure. I will not leave them hanging and asking why. The irony being that I will be hanging myself instead.
Hey man, I actually believe you’re going to do it.
Still trying to understand a bit, your original post is mostly about not having a job and getting fired all the time, and lying about having a job.
Yes that is a ***** for sure.
Dear God society is such a fucking disaster the way that shit plays out. Power, subordination, money, greed, class, in groups and out groups, being forced into a role, dear Lord I can barely fucking stand it. I have a career with a construction union, thank god I at least have that, where I get called for these huge overtime industrial jobs, it’s all very impersonal and anonymous which is the way I want to be in general society, then I get laid off. So when the call comes, I start taking Effexor so I can be a good little robot and get through it. Then when Im laid off, Im grateful as hell to be relieved of that and I quit the Effexor and go back to being just a plain neurotic.
Sometimes I talk to people on the suicide project.
Im sorry to hear of another despondent soul such as you, because I honestly just wish everybody was happy and found life to be a wonderful thing.
But Im very happy you came here to have your say, because I find it validating somehow. Im not sure I could explain it.
Anyways, I guess you are going to do what you feel you must do.
Im sorry it came to that for you, I really am. I never met you or anything, but this shit has a real feel to it tonight. I really have a sense of the bunch of us here, who exist under torment of dark psychological forces, so alienated.
Peace and love to you, and a morbid goodbye.
Thanks for sharing. It means a lot.
“I don’t condone suicide for everyone. Suicide is a very personal choice and no one can ever truly know or understand how another’s pain of existence can became so unbearable as to override the instinct to survive.
You sound like one of the good ones. At least you’re willing to soldier on despite your circumstances. I am a coward. If there is a hell I will surely be sent straight to it. If there is reincarnation I will be reborn into a dung beetle and condemned to roll my ball of shit up and down a hill for eternity.”
Forgive MountainGoat. His comment was dreadful.
He is like the farasee from the Bible, who tries to play a positive role and fails.
” If there is a hell I will surely be sent straight to it. If there is reincarnation I will be reborn into a dung beetle and condemned to roll my ball of shit up and down a hill for eternity.”
Take a religious text and read. If not, you can read a near death experience.
If not, just read some positive philosophy and make yourself a cup of tea.