I’m not suicidal anymore. Not depressed, not too anxious. But god am I angry. And bored. And frustrated. I don’t want to talk. It takes too much work to find the words. To interpret them and make them sound respectable. And I don’t have anything to say, anyways. It’s all meaningless small talk, or obvious answers in school. It’s not helping anyone.
So what does one do? I don’t know. I’m expected to talk. I have to, because my family associates my silence with anger and frustration. If they think I’m angry, they get angry, and I can’t have that. There’s no good way to deal with a passive aggressive parent or sibling. There’s no reason to them.
So I have to say something. Anything, even if I sound like a robot. It’s rage-inducing. I’d rather strangle one of them than hold shallow conversation. I’d rather skin someone’s face.
That’s what led me to my suicide plan last time. I’d be so very upset with myself for thinking things like that. I’d hate myself and beat myself up for wanting to end the stupidity. I wanted to end the monotonous, nuclear line of pathetic southern blood. I still do.
The difference is, now I don’t care about urges like that.They don’t bother me. I don’t tear at myself for wanting to eradicate the source of my suffering. It’s not worth it though. I’d go to jail, or spend the rest of my life running from law enforcement. It’s not like it used to be. There are eyes everywhere.
So I’d rather cut them off in another way. Everyone, really. I want to go mute. Stop talking, even avoid sign language and written words as much as possible. I want to distance them, and I want them to know how little I care now.
Any tips on how to gradually make the transition from vocal to selectively mute? That’s all I really need in regards to this predicament. I felt like getting the explanation off my chest, but no comment in regards to that is necessary.
Cheers, a recovered suicidal.
2 comments
Just don’t talk to people that you f*cking hate, and avoid them at all costs.
Hey, if NOBODY speaks to you, it’s not that hard to go mute.
You can furthermore then save all the words for when you’re alone in your room, slicing away at your skin.
I am also a recovered person. What is interesting about us is that we know the dark side of reality. Later you will appreciate it, having this knowledge.
As for you being bored and feeling like a robot, it’s a normal reaction after being fed up all this years with negativity. You also need to heal and cure your depression. Working with your body(including healthy nutrients, herbs, supplements, going to the gym, etc) will help you out.
Acquiring faith is also crucial.
Good luck. And nice to meet you.