Without hope there is nothing

I was born into a childhood of instability, poverty, abuse, pain, and self loathing.  I was reminded almost daily that I was a terrible mistake, I didn’t fit in, I had the inability to trust anyone even those closest too me.  I became a chameleon, I blended in the best I could, trying my hardest not to be seen as broken.  I was active in sports throughout my young school life, always pretending to be normal, hiding the abuse, putting on that happy mask to hide the pain.  And for 17 years I endured, I watched friends commit suicide, suffered the varying degrees of parental abuse, had an abusive relationship and struggled with my Catholic beliefs.  At such a young age I escaped the abuse and started the climb out of the abuse and the poverty.

I went to college, made a couple of close like-minded friends, watched one of them kill himself over a stupid relationship.  I ended a terrible relationship myself and slipped into a period of heavy depression.  In the end I graduated but life continued to knock me back as I couldn’t find a job in my field.  I bounced in and out of jobs and relationships both seemingly ending in me being mistreated, cheated, or otherwise taken advantage of because, frankly, I let it happen.  I also developed health problems which brought periods of excruciating pain.  Then I finally thought I had it settled when I went back to school and got a Masters’ degree, obtained a great job, had a house on a small plot of farm land, was in a long-term relationship and was even relatively happy.  I saw a bright future full of purpose and meaning.  We were not a perfect couple but we had common beliefs and I felt empowered to always do better.  Then she got cancer and I spent two years watching her grow more and more sick until she eventually passed on in a horrible and degrading death.  All the while the bills had piled up and I didn’t even get a chance to grieve as the vultures circled for the little we had left after all the cancer treatments and the burial expenses.  Shortly after I lost my sister who was tragically taken away from this world which only added to the feelings of isolation and despair.  Within a few years I ended up losing it all, the debts consumed me, I lost the house, bill collectors hunted me, harassed me, and for what?  In the end, it forced me to let go and move on, although I felt everything that I had lost and saw how drastically it had changed me physically, mentally, and emotionally.  My dreams of having my family, a loving wife, a couple of adorable kids, lots of dogs, and a small hobby farm with rescue animals was no more.

I soldiered on and did my best to work on the heavy burden of the debt that was on me.  After years of struggling I can see a small glimmer of light as those debts will be forever gone within another year.  Additionally, I found new love but that is not without its’ trials and tribulations and the support is not always there.  Which brings me here today.  Throughout it all, I have had many moments where I have strongly considered suicide, when the pain or grief was too much, when I felt horribly unloved or mistreated, when my career felt stagnant and unfulfilling, and every time I have soundly opted against suicide. My life is not perfect, it is full of pain, I struggle with a poor financial outlook, I struggle with grief.  I fantasize about ending it all, but mostly I subdue the darkness inside me and I open my heart to hope.

No matter how terrible life seems, no matter what has crossed our paths and caused us pains; Life is a precious gift.  Suicide as an action in itself is not wrong, nor would I ever put that on someone who felt they had no other option.  My point is that no matter how bad things get, no matter how alone we feel, we aren’t.  There is always something or someone good near us, always a silver lining, always a sunnier day on the horizon if only we can just have faith in ourselves first, and then apply it to the world around us.  No situation is too impossible to escape.  Suicide is death, and death is nothing.  No single person in this world is nothing.

In this world that seems so uncaring, selfish, and bleak please remember it only takes a single moment to impact your entire life (either positively or negatively).  Open yourself up to the world you make for yourself, and make that world happy regardless the life you’ve been dealt.

You are far more important that anyone will ever tell you and if you truly believe in yourself the evils of this world cannot break you.  I tell myself this every day, some times multiple times each day.  My life is complicated, it is full of regrets, it is full of pain, and it is often hard to deal with it all and hope can seem like nothing more than a pipe dream.   I haven’t given up thus far, and I’m 46 years old, and trust me when I say that terrifies me that I may never reach my dreams.  The truth is, life is pretty scary but we are never alone in this crazy journey.  Death really isn’t the answer.  Enjoy every day and believe in hope.