feeling so confused.
living by my own abroad,
actually I chose to live abroad just to quit my killng boring life.
Now, so far from home, so far from those I know and all the markers I’ve created in hometown during my whole life I still don’t know if I really enjoy my life here.
The weather is not the same, faces look strange. we say that home is where the heart is. Home is where you feel your belonging to. Home is where you feel the most loved. That place I call “home” however is 5 hour-flight away. Everything is/looks/sounds so different.
Who am I? where am I? where is home? which home I am talking bout? what’s home?
I was once travelling and told someone that I am going home and then that expression hit me hard deep in the heart. is this foreign country my new home? am I already this changed?
Now I started to talk to myself in a different language, am I losing and forgetting my native language? WHO AM I? Where do I belong? Youtube airport homecoming videos makes me feel sick, but no, I am not going to cry, I didn’t shed a tear while leaving my family at the airport 3 months ago, so I am not going to be this weak and cry for some strangers’ emotional videos.
Where am I? Who is this person inside me who seems so pscyhorigid. Are all my feelings dead?
One thing am very sure of is that I am not me anymore.
5 comments
I understand every bit of what your going thru and you are not alone. Im glad I was able to read your post! Thanks
i don’t like home. wanna leave
i always felt…homeless. not houseless. ive never lived on the street or anything but homeless ya know? like i just never had a home. it was just a place to live.
I remember ages ago, I watched a documentary on transient youth – mostly these mobile, homeschooled kids who wander around the world adrift on a cultural sea, and I thought, “So that’s what these cultural conservatives have done.” No wonder I’m so screwed up. They went out, looking for ways to strengthen their culture, only to absolutely prepare a shallow grave for it. It’s not just homeschooled kids, afterr all, but every kid who’s ever been told to think for themselves – stealing tropes and ideas from the original counter culture, in the hopes of countering liberal culture. The only problem is, those tropes do not serve traditional culture very well in practice. Further, the more exposure you get to other cultures, the more in the wind you become. My culture is not the hegemonic force I believed it was. It’s a transient thing in the expanse of human history.
ive never had a home, I always considered the closest thing to home for me would be 6 foot underground, where I will rot to a corpse.