I’m not sure what I want to get out of posting here. Someone to talk me out of it, someone to talk me into it. Anything but the middle ground, which I have endured for so long.
I am pushing 30, alone, on disability for bipolar disorder and a host of other useless diagnoses, and I have tried grad school 5 times. I dropped out every time due to nervous breakdowns. I feel nothing but guilt, shame, and self-hatred.
I have had extraordinarily strong suicidal thoughts nearly constantly from the age of 8. I tried to end it 5 years ago as I had command hallucinations. Massive overdose. Impulsive. I died, was revived, assumed to be brain dead, and in a coma for a while. Every damn day since I woke up, I regret surviving. It doesn’t get better. Since then I have never once been glad to be alive.
I guess I just want those I leave behind to know that this is truly the greatest relief I have ever felt. The torment is over. I don’t love anyone enough to spare them the grief and pain. For 10 years I have been seeing 2 therapists and a psychiatrist. I have been hospitalized at least twice a year. I have tried everything, every medication known to man, ECT, every mode of talk therapy and support groups. I am drowning and I am miserable. I have been suffocating for 20 years. Slow and merciless suffocation that says there is only one way to be free. I am selfish, but it will not matter.
I don’t believe in God. If the soul exists, I think everyone goes to a different place after they die. I experienced death and a coma and it is nothingness. Not black, or white, or anything in between. I can’t articulate it. It can only be experienced as a non-experience. And I want everyone to know I have made peace with the nothingness. I am not afraid.
So I suppose this is the note, although I never envisioned myself leaving one. No real reasons offered for understanding. It has always been a matter of when, not if. Now is my time.
5 comments
I always thought I would be dead and had committed by 18. Now I am just floating aimlessly. I just want to get up the nerve to kill myself, but I feel I’m trapped by fear in some sick and disgusting pit where I can’t get out so therefore I cannot commit
Don’t do it, please.
We’re all here for you if you need someone to talk to.
I’m sorry about your suffering. If you want my gmail or something, I’ll give it to you.
What else is bothering you? Where’s your family?
Sometimes the burden is too much and people break under it. My creed is to carry on as long as it is possible, Im not carrying a burden as heavy as you though. No command hallucinations. That’s fucked up and I don’t know if I could endure that level of torture.
This blog, man. Some people are really going through hell out there.
Im sure God will judge you fairly and lead you eventually to everlasting life, whether you believe in that or not.
I can feel your suffering in your words, but please don’t do it.
You have nothing to be guilty about or ashamed of. Life is deeply unfair. Some people cruise through it – others suffer terribly. And modern society doesn’t give a shit about the second group. Not your fault. It’s the fault of the fortunate people who are too selfish to help others.