Epiphanies

So, it took me around 6 or 7 years for me to realize that all I want in life is to be taken into account. To be someone that people think about. To not just be a complete no one blended in the crowd. But I wouldn’t call myself an attention seeker, all I’ve ever wanted was a purpose, a place in this world.

I’m pretty sure this all started back when I was in junior high school. I was your typical shy and not talkative (outcast) kid. I never was a person of many friends (and I’m not to this day), but I longed to. Maybe not to the point of wanting to be popular, but really all I wanted was to be liked. So I would do pretty much anything other people asked me to just so they would like me. And to nobody’s surprise, all that happened was that I was constantly used. So I developed a feeling of resentment towards others and pretty much ghosted everyone around me (except for a few people).

Fast forward to today and I’m nowhere near to fulfilling that desire of mine. If anything, I think I’m worse than before since back then I could help others because at least I was good in school, the only thing I was ever good at, but right now I don’t even have that. So here I am, feeling lonely, with no real purpose in life, no talents to speak of, only existing in others’ lives, but not to the point where I’m taken into account by others.

And to be fair, what’s the point anymore? There’s no reason for me to try anything new, since I know that whatever thing I try to do, whatever new activity I engage myself in won’t be for anything other than to seek attention and approval from others, like a desperate attempt to say “I’m here, I exist, please love me”.

In the end, I’ll just be forgotten, people will move on with or without me. Right now I’m pretty sure that the only way I’ll be remembered is through my death. That’s the only stain or legacy I can afford to leave, since right now I neither have anything else to offer to others around me nor do I have the motivation to try to make changes in my life.