well.. i think the best start would be saying that i am loosing my faith or i have lost my faith…
i am an ambitious person and i want to travel the world when I’m still young and i want to do so many things but it’s just a dream and will always be a dream. Yeah I’m a dreamer and i can’t help it. The fact that I’m living a wasted life makes me feel like dying..
back in my childhood days, i thought our family was perfect. We’re not reach or poor either, we’re on the middle and we’re living a simple and happy life (or so i thought) when I’m reminiscing those old days i told my self that those were the best days of our family being together.. of course that’s in the point of view of a child liking her childhood, until my adolescence.
It was in the second year of high school when i got aware of the reality around me and the i deal family i had was already shredding into pieces…
I found out that we’re the second family of my dad. It was when he got hospitalized and fighting for his life. me and my mom were beside him and he was calling the name of other woman. My mom don’t say anything that time but i can see the pain she’s trying to hide and i cannot stand the sight of it.. all i can do is to cry in the corner of that cold room…
when my dad got home we never talked about that incident and i hesitated to much to ask my mom so i decided to let it be that way… but of course we did find the truth later.
my dad had a child already with a woman in his hometown but they were never married, and i think she just married my mom because she was already 2 months pregnant of that time. they never told us that but i found it out after looking of their marriage contract and i never dare told that to my siblings.. well maybe one of these days..
My father lost his job because of that terrible incident and we started to selling our assets but hose things doesn’t last long for us to survive..
Our relatives started to put a distance between us and so some of family friends… they made themselves clear that they don’t wanna help us..
me and my sister had to stop studying because we cannot afford to continue.. and i regret those days because i don’t do anything…now I’m stuck to this wasteful life struggling how to make my life at least a bit worthy…
i tried to find a work but i got no luck because of lack of experience and education, but could i have one if they won’t hire me and i wanna work to continue my study…but it seems studying is almost impossible.. now i have to concentrate on how to improve my life for i afraid to die doing nothing and not being remembered…
yes i am a failure and i hope i can do something about it. i wished that i am ore stronger and enough confidence to survive this world.. i hope i a not weak i hope i can do what others can that’s why i keep on dreaming y dreams hoping that one day it will become a reality, but the sad truth always following me and keep reminding me to wake up. Yeah i know I’m weak and sometimes i wanna end everything… i long for my death to come and wonder what would happened after that.. of course i would never know if already dead….
i just wrote this trash coz i don’t have anyone to talk about it cause I’m a loner and i got a lot more issues about myself that i wanna tell anyone whom i don’t know( i found it scary confessing to people close to me.. i felt betrayed actually)
well i hope it would be okay if i post this crap.. please do understand my feelings…
and i think i will write some other crap to let go my feelings, to be honest i felt better now after writing this
3 comments
i guess i know what u feel.. at least the part when u feel scary confessing to those u know.. i really know how it feels like when u feel hopeless like this… it`s really a good thing to write this “what u might think” crap… it`s good that u share ur unhappiness… really unlike me..
Sharing can give happiness.
And dreams are always beautiful and relaxing. It’s a way to distract from reality and provides comfort.
Just like sleeping is always a way to put worries behind.
You can dream what you wish to have in the future. But not always in harmony with sharing with others.
You dream to possess, always contradict with the act of sharing.
If it is a boat that you want, it would be perfect to have friends or family on board to share the joy.
If it is a racing speed-boat, it becomes a loner’s toy.
Your father may have guilt of leaving the child behind, or of the woman he abandoned. And he could only find relief in his dreams to remedy, and bear the burden he thought should have taken.
Be understanding!!!
In reality, he has taken the burden on your family, but in return, you and your mother didn’t appreciate this and fell in the trap of pointless jealousy, how come?
If it were me, I would thank my father and appreciate what he has done, let him know that the choice he rested on our family was right.
If the boat-maker boarded our boat, I’ll make sure to relieve his strain of home-sickness, assure his staying on board along the way is well worth doing. In time of his old-aged or sickness, I’ll not blame his murmur in dreams of his home-sickness.
Please don’t accuse a sailor of his home-sickness.
Share his pain, but not to accuse his pain.
Make the boat his home.
Grudges weaken mind and body!
you got a point but what would the crew do if their captain abandoned them already and left them with nothing