Life, seems to be biting my in the butt, more than expected. If it’s not family problems, it’s school. If it’s neither, it’s love, or life. My names Krissay, and I’m 14 years old. I’ve been dealing with depression and being bipolar for the past 3 years. It get’s worse and worse. And I’m starting to feel like I don’t belong in this place we call Earth. I don’t deserve to be alive.. I was a mistake..
I was born with a disability, I can’t do everything most people can. I can’t run, jump, lift school books, and I’m starting to lose my ability to walk. I had surgery on my feet, and I still haven’t learned how to walk on my own. I wear braces, even after a year. I have Spinal Muscular Atrophy, but I don’t know what type. Basically, it’s a group of inherited diseases that cause progressive muscle degeneration and weakness, eventually leading to death. So I’m probably going to die in my 20’s, or early 30s, considering two of my friends with the same thing died, not even a month apart from each other… and that was all in September.
I cry, every night, because I can’t do everything I want to. I can’t walk to my friend’s house to hang out. I can’t have my friends come over because my parent’s don’t like my friends. I have literally no friends. And my ‘friends’ don’t even realize when I’m down..
To top that off, my love life sucks. August 1st, 2011, I met the guy that meant the absolute world to me and so much more. August 3rd, he ask me out. I of course, agreed. We dated up until August 21st. On August 20th, that was the last day we ever hung out, kissed, hugged, I heard his voice.. everything. August 21st, he broke up with me. How? He lied about cheating on me. He never really did, he just made a silly excuse to end it. And yet, after he did, he wanted to kill himself. On August 22nd, he got a new girlfriend. she is one of my friends.. I tried to warn her, but she didn’t listen to anyone.. On August 23rd, he blew off hanging with me to get his stuff, instead he hung out with one of my bestest friends. He knew that she was extremely close to me, so he took the chance and kissed her. they aren’t friends anymore, but it hurts knowing he did it to hurt me. From when he broke up with me, to now, he’s dated over 5 girls. And yet I’ve only dated one, just because he asked and I can’t say no. And yet I ended it after a week. You see, I’d wait for him.. and yet he goes from “I hate you” to “can’t you see that I love you?!” It’s been like that for the past two months. He asked me back out on September 11th, and broke up with me two days later. Why? Because I talked to his friends? Stupid reason. I do believe he told his friends to add me. He told everyone different reasons on why he broke up with me. The reasons were distance, I was boring, talking to his friends, and many more. I wait for you, and you tell me that you want me. Clearly, you don’t. You were my first kiss.. my first true love.. the first to ever care about me.. I was dumb to trust you. to ever believe a word you said.. You treated all your girls exactly the same. You gave them the same things, used the same nicknames, said the same things.. and whats sad is I’d still go back to you… \:
I miss you John.. and even though you hate me, I care for you…
Another reason why my life sucks is because of my family. My mother will always straight up to my face tell me that I’m ugly or smell bad. Whenever she’s home, she takes all her anger out on me. She yells at me and blames me for everything, constantly. My father, he smokes and drinks. (so does my ex, John) He hits me , but in a playful way. It still hurts though, he just doesn’t realize. My dad doesn’t know that I know he smokes.. he thinks no one in this family does. He also always makes jokes that he’s going to put me up for adoption.. My oldest brother, he calls me a emo cutting freak. He almost kicked me out a month ago, for not believing in God.. he blames me for everything… and he says I bring everyone down. Now my other brother, also older, but younger than the oldest, he calls me things like whore, skank, fake, emo, gothic, cripple, emo cutting freak, cry baby, pathetic, use-less, worth-less, sissy, fat, ugly, loner, and so much more.. I usually don’t care what people think of me, but it’s starting to get to me. Especially if it’s my family..
I don’t even think I’ve EVER heard anyone say that they loved me….
School… school sucks. I get teased. People think I can’t walk. All of my friends leave me.. I’m usually sitting alone in a corner.. just writing.. there’s nothing else I can really do..
All I want, is my old self back.. I want to be happy.. I don’t know what the real me is anymore…\:
This is what I look like.. your time to judge if I’m ugly or not..
please help me before I do something stupid…
10 comments
That all sounds really crap. I wish there was something I could do to help. Also you aren’t ugly!!!
you are beautiful child. you are too young and pretty to have these feelings. Smile sweetheart and steal you a heart and love. 🙂 good luck to you friend
Awe, thank you<3 I may be extremely young to feel this upset, but at least that makes me a more brighter person. c:
Krissay… yes you are beautiful. Umm… just so you know, there is no ‘playful way’ that a grown man can hit a 14 year old girl, and I worry about your safety. Especially since your brothers don’t seem very protective. Have you told anyone about this?
John is a dick. He is playing with you, stringing you along because he knows you will come back. Pathetic people do this, because it’s the only way they can feel strong. I hope you realise how unworthy he is.
Hi Krissay!
I’m not going to say anything about you are too young to feel upset nor anything like that. I know how crap SMA is, estella, my daughter, is a strong type one and she has being at the verge of dying a few times already and she is only 8 months old. You must be a strong type two or a three for the look of it (i would say more a three). Unfortunately estella has only a few months to live at the most but she is happy and we take each day at a time. At the moment we are living at a children hospice because i can’t take her home but they are lovely to her and she has plenty quality of time. I will just tell you a couple of things that may help… first, there some amazing researchs out there, actually they think the cure must be ready in 5 years (they cured mice with sma, they used to live only 16 days and now they live 400 days with this new drug, not only that it also regenerated their muscles, they tests are starting with humans this year)… too late for estella but not for you my dear, so have hope because hope is for free.
Also when estella was diagnosed I also think about leaving this world when she does but you know what? life is what you make of it, estella showed me that, she is very disable but still is happy and gets excited as any other kid, everyday is an adventure 🙂
I also had my heart broken at 14 thanks god for that… can you imagine expending your life with such a jerk? you deserve better. In my life I met some guys some nice other not so nice and eventually i met THE GUY. you will know when he appears.
Also not believing about god is not a big deal, I have funny ideas about god myself, I think if it exist must be a woman… men can’t multitask 😉
If I were you I would talk to your school counsellor about home and stuff, they have the mechanisms to help you, really, it’s not only talk talk talk. With estella we got a lot of help we didn’t know it was available till we asked around to people like them
my facebook is maria lopez-sweetman, just in case you want to pop around
x
maria
‘Ugly’ my ass. Perhaps I ought to send your brother a picture of me so that he’d learn what ‘ugly’ means!
Haha, just kidding though. I think I’m flat out gorgeous no matter how I look.
I’m sorry about your condition, at the same time amazed that you continue to survive despite such disabilities.
There’s just one thing that intrigues me though.
The way your parents, brother and John acts, are repulsive, that much is obvious, but somehow I detect signs that they’re just…well extremely depressed.
Their daughter is about to die, wouldn’t any family feel sad?
That’s a pretty fucked up life style. I got a friend who’s family resents him, another one who’s expected to die at like 24 or something and God know’s he’s tried to off himself a few times but small ways to where he usually just put himself through pain for a while, another friend who’s got mad health disabilities and she thinks she’s bringing everyone down for it completely loses self confidence for it, too, I know people who have no friends at all, like society has completely destroyed these guys. I personally know all these people but I don’t know anyone with all those problems at once.
I don’t have anything I can say that’s really gonna help nay but you can email me if you wanna talk.
Lol catch 22 if I say your are pretty I’m a total pedophile, but obviously I ain’t gonna say your ugly. Speaking solely from myself you sound like a good person and you look like a good person, too. You don’t deserve any of that shit, but good things do come out of shitty situations.
I like your name, too. Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to.
🙂
You are really pretty,you can get tjrough this you are only young there are hesps of disabled people out there who feel the way you do my husband gets in a funk sometimes but just because he cant walk. So what,friends come and go the best ones stay around you are only youmg dont give up you sound like a fighter!!
Looks like you’ve been resoundingly welcomed. Welcome to the faceless horde. The walls are grey and cracked from all the pounding but sadness turns no one away.