My current situation is the lowest I’ve ever been. But I should be thankful because things could be worse. Way worse.
I’ve accepted this is my new normal. I hate it. My dreams seem farther away. It feels as though I’m running in a circle, never escaping my past.
I moved away and told myself I could have a better life. I believed if I tried hard enough I could have a life that made all my parents sacrifices worth it. Turns out I failed and continue to fail over and over. Does that make me a selfish child? Unappreciative of all my parents have done for me?
One day I could escape. The patterns of the past. I could break free of destructive self and become the person I see in my dreams.
Is there still hope? It feels like I’m a child and all the fun toys I use to cope with life have been taken away from me. I’m throwing a tantrum. Some may call it a cry for help. The loss has been great and I don’t have a clue what the future holds.
Uncertainty can be both good and bad. If I were a positive person I may believe good things are coming my way. I could see this as an opportunity for a new beginning. A way to humble myself and feel so much gratitude. Yet the larger part of me feels the fear of the unknown. There’s too much loss in various areas of my life and I don’t know how to solve it. There are no answers but patience and trusting in “the process” or a higher power.
Change happens always. This too shall pass. However, I worry I’m not strong enough to make it through this one. I’m tired and I’m not getting enough good news to outweigh the bad. It’s hard to be hopeful when I can’t grasp a pathway to achieving my dreams. It seems I’ll be in limbo for a long time. Existing but not truly living. Running in circles. Not living out my purpose on this earth.
I’m scared my circumstances will make me do something rash. Not planned but impulsive. If I do it, I get the freedom I desperately seek. No goodbyes. No thinking. Eternal silence.
2 comments
I’d suggest not to worry too much about your purpose on earth. That’s an endless rabbit hole. I don’t think there is any purpose to the entire human existence on earth, let alone to individuals. Human story will progress one way or another, until one day when it won’t anymore.
If everything else has failed, maybe you can try taking on a perspective of an audience instead of an actor in the events around you. Maybe it’ll help you get through the rough patch.
Try holding on for a while, buddy.
I randomly remembered this site from years ago and I’m glad I check in on it because I found your post. You are very articulate by the way. I was in your shoes, I saw myself in your post. Would you mind reaching out? efejacque@gmail.com to offer some hope?
Thank you for writing and from someone who’s been there, you CAN get to a place you have always dreamed of being. Perhaps even beyond your wildest dreams