I am only 20 years old and for the past 6-7 years, I always felt stressed! I laugh a lot and make people laugh, but I don’t remember the last time I was happy, relaxed, in ”piece”. I get frusturated and angry so easily that sometimes I just want to crash every creature around me, I sometimes wish to crash people emotionally and physicially! Within 2 years, it got even worse as I started Medical Faculty. I can’t even think myself as a future doctor in this point… I was always insecure and an introvert. But it came into a point that I don’t even want to meet with my friends anymore, I always feel anxious and tired and so insecure, angry after meeting with them. I keep telling myself ”Why did you say that” instantly after coming home… I just want to scream FOREVER! Recently I’ve started to think about my own death, my own funeral for hours and days straight… But don’t worry I won’t kill myself, as I can’t even do that either. I can’t even cry anymore, I just feel the ANGER, HATE. The fact that I have a family, and the fact that I am in a good position financially even makes me more angry because I know that I shouldn’t be like this way. I know that I have to be thankful for the things I have. I know that there are so many people out there dying in agony or losing everything they have. But LOOK AT ME I can’t do it! I just have stupid thoughts and anger… I am just so obnoxious but I can’t kill myself as I have to live for my family, they always take care of me, but also they are just sooo unaware about my psychology, I never told them my feelings before as it would be weird :s I am not planning to open myself either. For 20 years I have never talked about this kind of stuff, they just think that I’m the perfect child with perfect grades, school and perfect personality.. If only would they know how abnormal I am… What should I do!? I can’t even focus anymore on my classes, I might get fail this year unless I start studying, but I can’t do it. The moment I start working, the voices in my head take over and remind me how pathetic, insecure, crushed, worthless I am… Please help me.
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6 comments
you seem to be more mad at yourself then anything else. i hope this suggestion doesnt offend you but its always good to start with the basics especially if you dont know what theyve tried yet. did you ever try to redirect your anger. or replace it with something more positive. im getting a punching bag as a way to redirect my anger in a way that no one could get hurt. also when i can i will stop myself in mid sentence and tell myself that im wrong and say the opposite whether i believe it or not. its kinda like how a bully pushes you down by repeating the same thing again and again until you believe it, just a more positive way.
You speak of the voices in your head telling u your pathetic insecure etc. EVERYBODY has those voices, even the “normies” – a term I discovered on this site referring to the non suicidal. The only difference between the normies and us is that they’re better actors, but that’s all it is, an act.
Perhaps, you need to find the precipitating factors first! What angers you the most, and how you have been confronting such situation before.. and may be do it differently now. And you need to transform the anger into something , writing could do.. or may be punch your pillow that way no harm’s done and your anger is vented out… Vent it out someway, don’t hurt yourself, dont hurt anyone, vent it out.
Thank you for your answers, usually I don’t replace my anger, instead I get angry to people around me and then I feel even so much worse for doing that and as a result I hate myself even more, but for 1 year, I try not to get angry as much as I used to, I try to endure in silence and repress it but that’s why I feel like I’m going to explode. You were right about it I guess, I am so mad at myself, everytime I talk with a person, I just feel anxious, I don’t know it’s like every bad aspect about me mixes and creates something evil. I just feel insecure, helpless, anger, at the same time…
my friend showed me something the other day. “Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that LOVES you.” people get angry for a reason. and its ok to get angry as long as its not in a harmful way.
i know it made me feel better about my anger 🙂
I relate to you a hundred percent. that’s all i can say.