I won’t be sharing some details, i was born in a muslim world, my parents were divorced when i was still a child, ever since i entered fifth grade i’ve been bullied because of how socially awkward i was, i had a computer that i would play games every day so i could ease my mind, i had a teacher that would shout at me even though i tried my best to study, i’ve been depressed for so long, i tried drowning my self more than twice, but i just couldn’t do it because of the ideas that god exists and that i would go to hell, so before i got to finish school at twelveth grade i was forcefully moved to live with my father which was toxic towards me, ever since i moved there i never felt home as i was being checked on 24/7, and by checked on i mean opening the door asking me a question and when i answer i get insulted for my honest answer, that’s where i started thinking that no one cares about me.
To this day i still think about how nothing ever went my way, all i’ve ever wished for was to help people smile, even when i was the one being tormented every day, waking up just to get abused from 6:00 a.m to 7:00 p.m, to this day i still wonder what is my purpose in life, i have no talent, but i just keep living with fear, why?
I keep repeating the same questions about existence, i keep googling to see if there’s anyone like me, i keep searching if there’s anything that will help me, i keep searching.
I’ve seen everything horrible in this painful world, there is nothing that can help me, i’ve been doomed a long time ago.
But i still continue living with no objective, i do have some friends but they’re not the real type of friends, we only chat online and they’re not that active, i don’t know why i defined them as friends in my head, maybe it’s because i’m desperate.
I still live with my father but he seemed to have gave up on me two months ago, he doesn’t look at me anymore, as i shut my self from the world playing games still, trying to forget the past, hoping to find hope for once.
All i’ve ever wished… was to make people smile… not a painful life. To this day i still question if god is real, and what i did wrong to deserve all this, i still haven’t decided to end my life, but the option still remains strong in my head.
I’m sorry if i took alot of your time reading this pointless story of my life, i have no one to share this with, i will remain alone in my life, and i think the button is getting close to be pressed.
1 comment
You didn’t take any of my time, I loved reading this. I could relate to this so much, but without the father and gaming thing. I rather drown in writing stories or watching Let’s Plays. (Yeah, I’m bad at videogames, busted^^) I don’t understand what the meaning of life is either. I often wonder, if people with high careers or satisfying ones, have already reached the top and don’t have to ask themselves that question anymore. But this actually makes me feel a weird fear, that if I get a well-paid job and don’t have to chase for anything else, where will this question go.? What else is there to want.? I rather be in a situation, where I have the freedom to ask myself these things. It’s strange, yes… I guess I just don’t know what it feels like to be at a secure standpoint of my life and that scares me. To actually achieve something.. I struggle so much with keeping friends around, that as you said, are only the desperate kinds of ‘friends’. They don’t really care about us, they care about their own awesome life. I’m super salty about that today. I haven’t exactly felt much affection from anyone lately. I sure hope, that you can find that meaning, that you pursue.! And keep making people smile, even if they don’t deserve it.