I realize that I constantly keep putting myself in situations where I end up hurt, confused and broken. After weeks of trying to find clarity as to why things ended the way they did.. It hits me. I’m in the same place I promised myself I would never end up again when someone hurts me. Like wtf happened? How did I get here again?
I allowed it. That’s how.
And it infuriates me.
I’ve survived so many traumas in my life. Rape. Abuse. Multiple attempts. You name it, I’ve probably been through it. But the one thing that takes all my will to keep going is a fucking broken heart? Why is that? Why do I allow myself to keep getting hurt. I should always have my defenses up. I should know the signs of a liar by now. And yet. Here I am. Broken again. WHY?
I really sat here thinking what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I just find someone to love me back? Do I not deserve it? Did I do something in a past life that deemed me unworthy? Questions that I’ll never get answers to. Answers that realistically won’t make a difference even if they were given.
I have one constant in my life. My best friend and life partner. I know that our relationship isn’t traditional or carnal in nature and who knows how we ended up here 17 years later. But I’m thankful to have at least one person in my life who hasn’t broken their promises. You simply don’t promise me anything. Granted it wasn’t easy. In the beginning we hurt each other a lot. For a while I thought that we would never be able to repair our friendship. But here I am with yet another broken heart and here you are trying to put me together. Thank you.
7 comments
im sorry youve been through all of that and i found the ending sweet <3
That was such a hopeful ending.
I suffer from the same thing you do, eternal optimism. Which is odd coming from a person who has thought on more than one occasion that just blowing my brains out is a great idea.
But really what I mean is I have such a hard time seeing the bad in people. I can’t hold grudges, I’ve tried. I just can’t. I’m broken in ways I can’t fix, but the rose colored glasses have always been firmly in place when it comes to folks who reach out to me. Romantically, Friendship. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with trying again and again. It is the world that is wrong, the world that is a pile of nails and rotting flesh. Not you. You are a wonderful human being that just keeps trying.
I have a long history with mental illness and the biggest blows just throw my head spinning. Sometimes ask myself, am I insane for feeling this hurt? Is this normal? Have I exaggerated the blows on purpose? Maybe I’ve learned to like it at this point? Who knows. But yes despite me always falling for the wrong person, I won’t stop looking.
Shit if not in this lifetime then maybe a next I’ll fine something.
Don’t understand the problem. You’re a woman. You can find a new guy in two seconds.
@muspelhem really buddy? Really?
Who said I’m a woman? Who said the problem is not being able to find “a new guy”?
Honestly friend if you’re confused about others pain well I’m pretty sure that this isn’t the site where anyone looks for answers or insight.
Sure as heck don’t expect anyone to understand and I’m sure that’s the standard for others aswell.
“How did I get here again? I allowed it. That’s how.”
I’ve been through a lot in life, experienced both the good and the bad. It’s made me tougher, wiser and basically able to handle everything that’s thrown at me.
I used to take relationships less seriously and I thought women/girls really didn’t have any hold on me. However you don’t even notice yourself falling for someone, but it happens, it’s slow and subtle.
A few years ago I was seeing a girl and at first things were going well, but over time we drifted and I realized she was interested in another guy, eventually we broke up. It did hit me pretty hard and over time I got over her.
Casual relationships are not really my thing, I prefer something that’s real, but it comes with the price of broken heart if it doesn’t work out as you hoped.
The key is to be careful, switch off those emotions in the beginning, don’t be too quick to fall in love with someone, suss them out. A lot of people are hiding their true dark side when they first get to know you.
I think in your case perhaps you show your cards way too early and these individuals then manipulate you for their own purposes.
The second they stop treating you with respect, you get rid of them. People always give off signals, sometimes consciously but most of the time they’re not aware. Don’t ignore these signs and don’t buy their pathetic excuses when you call them out on it, they’re just trying to trap you.
Most of us are wired not to be single, we prefer to have a partner in our lives, but you have to make sure that you vet these people first. It’s better to be alone than in a toxic relationship.
Also some people are rough around the edges, they might be bad at communicating but they have a good heart (I know someone like that).
So the key is to figure out which people are actually evil and which just have trouble trying to express themselves but have good intentions. Regardless though if people are abusive towards you then just find someone better.