Four years ago, I was depressed to the point I had almost committed suicide twice. Luckily, I was able to pick myself back up once me and my family moved to another country. When we moved, I had decided to push all my feeling away to the back of my mind and to try to forget about my depression. It had worked for a while and was okay for a year. After that, I started to develop anxiety and luckily it was relatively minor compared to how bad my depression was. I lived with my minor anxiety for the last two years and had small depressive episodes since I don’t think I ever recovered from my depression and I guess just suppressed it?
I thought I was okay but this year, my mental health has been decreasing exponentially. At the start of the year, I had a small depressive episode since this is my last year of high school before university and I was stressed out about not being smart enough to do what I wanted. Luckily, I had been able to push all my negative feelings aside again and continue with my life. I was okay for the first semester of school but then my mental state started getting worse.
There hasn’t been an exact trigger to my mental state worsening but for the past few months, I’ve been slowing losing interest in everything that I used to love and now for the past few weeks, I’ve just felt really empty. It’s been harder to get out of bed everyday, I’ve lost almost all motivation to study, and it’s getting so hard to fake a smile to everyone that I’m okay. Yesterday, I had felt so empty to the point where I harmed myself for the first time in four years. I’m not proud of it but it feels like the emptiness in my mind is clawing at me to do something.
I just don’t know what to do anymore and there is no one that I can talk to. I can’t get help from my family since they think mental health is fake and it’s just an excuse for people who want attention and I don’t trust my friends enough to tell them about this. I hate myself for considering suicide again since I promised myself four years ago that I wouldn’t harm myself again. I don’t know how to save myself again.